cast thine shadows away,
in dutiful sorrow I mourn.
night of darkness pray,
fateful morrow be born.
sordid jealousy shimmer,
simmering hate burn marrow.
predator eyes, hunt aglimmer,
my scorn'd countenance sallow.
despondent, satisfy hunger.
enraged, i find contentment.
tearful blood flows in anger,
dawn alighting lamentment.
this deathly horror i've lived,
shorn all hope to redeem.
once with your love bestowed,
now death, certain and keen.
12.26.2007
12.21.2007
sound words
word without sound,
my happiness fills.
sound without words,
silence that kills.
askance mood, depart.
release this sorrow.
depart, mood askance.
exile by morrow.
blessing my tears.
purpureus blood, bleed.
tears, my blessing.
spirit be freed.
my happiness fills.
sound without words,
silence that kills.
askance mood, depart.
release this sorrow.
depart, mood askance.
exile by morrow.
blessing my tears.
purpureus blood, bleed.
tears, my blessing.
spirit be freed.
anguished serenity
and if i said, would you believe me?
so, why should I say? just believe me.
in pain i lay, calling your name.
in pain i laid. you called my name.
was it mordant anguish? uncaring prying?
for anguished i was, trying and crying.
12.17.2007
hurting to want, wanting to hurt
beholden, these eyes blinded by sugar,
descubren al fin, siniestro pasar.
bitter-filled sound, lover's laughter afar,
olas que rompen las sombras del mar.
porcelain body, in sodden touch mar,
sentencias mi ser, eterno pesar.
immaculate fire, cauterize scar,
mi virtud, verdugo, voy a vengar.
descubren al fin, siniestro pasar.
bitter-filled sound, lover's laughter afar,
olas que rompen las sombras del mar.
porcelain body, in sodden touch mar,
sentencias mi ser, eterno pesar.
immaculate fire, cauterize scar,
mi virtud, verdugo, voy a vengar.
10.10.2007
scars
scars.
i like.
for they have meaning.
markers of past, reminders that last.
scars of birth; marks of light; mother's milk. progeny pride.
pristine slice, precious brand, stained skin, shrinking gangrene.
scars.
i loathe.
for they mean nothing.
signs of vileness, symbols of evilness.
shreds of mind, eyes of dread; tyrannous truth, damaging dread.
burning shrapnel, bullet tumbling, tearing tissue, ripping reason.
i like.
for they have meaning.
markers of past, reminders that last.
scars of birth; marks of light; mother's milk. progeny pride.
pristine slice, precious brand, stained skin, shrinking gangrene.
scars.
i loathe.
for they mean nothing.
signs of vileness, symbols of evilness.
shreds of mind, eyes of dread; tyrannous truth, damaging dread.
burning shrapnel, bullet tumbling, tearing tissue, ripping reason.
10.09.2007
it's about life, and the push to death...
it's about reverence to the clawing of high priestess energy, as she demands tribute for her life-imbuing presence.
it's about acceptance of the loving chokehold of sorceress pain, search for respite from her merciless abandon.
it's about total devotion to reverend sister exhaustion, complete submission to the lashings of her breathless whip.
it's about humility, begging at the feet of reverend mother hunger, as she teasingly toys with my famished consciousness.
it's about discipline, enduring enchantress delirium's gentle wrath as she withdraws my fix of H, O, Na, K with a series of strokes to the delete key of life.
it's about my search for the elusive light that guides and inflames, frustrates, and dismays…for she toys with me, knows i will never reach her--i am no Buddha, Bodhisattva, or otherwise…i am not worthy despite the hopeless righteousness of my quest.
it's about acceptance of the loving chokehold of sorceress pain, search for respite from her merciless abandon.
it's about total devotion to reverend sister exhaustion, complete submission to the lashings of her breathless whip.
it's about humility, begging at the feet of reverend mother hunger, as she teasingly toys with my famished consciousness.
it's about discipline, enduring enchantress delirium's gentle wrath as she withdraws my fix of H, O, Na, K with a series of strokes to the delete key of life.
it's about my search for the elusive light that guides and inflames, frustrates, and dismays…for she toys with me, knows i will never reach her--i am no Buddha, Bodhisattva, or otherwise…i am not worthy despite the hopeless righteousness of my quest.
9.20.2007
releasing the genie
back from the dead.
back from the land of the dead.
back from a land of death.
Back from death...
back from the land of the dead.
back from a land of death.
Back from death...
if not to life.
suns and moons took me away.
suns and moons imprisoned me.
suns and moons brought me back in the end.
if not by you given, i welcome myself...
or do i?
8.20.2007
take me away
"trance me, light with no name," say i;
don't know you, yet seek you must i."
don't know you, yet seek you must i."
tranquil ending, live to reach you;
expiate woes, surrender to you.
travesty end, raw truth binds us;
allegory of hope, numbs us.
tragic my fate, certain am i.
timeless contentment, desire i.
trap me, gently worn blanket, you;
help me endure to adore you.
8.01.2007
and thus
and thus, i further deviate from the purpose of this bipolar ring, a
fact hopefully overlooked by this embracing community. these words,
those verses, which reflect my state of mind sometimes implicitly, at
times explicitly, my humble return. you gave me a start, your
attention, my first readership, and for that, i will be ever so
grateful.
fact hopefully overlooked by this embracing community. these words,
those verses, which reflect my state of mind sometimes implicitly, at
times explicitly, my humble return. you gave me a start, your
attention, my first readership, and for that, i will be ever so
grateful.
a sincere non-self-deprecating post, this one; a realistic perspective
that considers your time sacrifice as a reader.
deviate
60 seconds you dedicate to reading these esoteric word constructs,
attempts at expressing unordinary emotions in atypical ways.
attempts at expressing unordinary emotions in atypical ways.
60 seconds you share generously for nothing in return--a passing
pleasure, a thought triggered, the extent of this nothingness?
60 seconds of your time in direct proportion to an average of 440
seconds of my time writing these words.
60 seconds of your time before your attention is diverted voluntarily
or not, elsewhere.
60 seconds, the reason why I have focused on the poetic form as of
late, as it seemingly aligns with the 60 seconds of your undivided
attention.
60 seconds I strive to make worthwhile, for you will not recoup this
lost time, and further, i will not have the opportunity to take in the
future: you will simply not return.
60 seconds of delusion, thinking you read through my last post.
60 seconds that rule my reality.
60 seconds of your life
60 seconds of tabulated amounts of CO2 emissions, Becquerels of
radiation, cubic-feet-per-second of water flow, powering your
hardware, cooling your home, maintaining your prescribed thermostatic
setting, screaming electrons producing radiant heat passing through
skillfully-engineered strata of silicon, configured as transistors,
shrunk to micro-order-of-magnitude dimensions, you averaging 22
respiratory cycles, involuntarily generating an unmeasured number of
peristaltic movements, forcing measurable milligrams of simple
carbohydrates, your digestive system converting into
direct-proportion-levels of glucose, 72 beats of your heart (10%
measurement tolerance) pumping this nourishment and O2 to hungry
mytochondriae, feverishly processing adenosine-triphosphate, keeping
your core temperature at 37.0 degrees celcius (1% measurement
tolerance) in natural-selection-perfected autonomic-nervous-system
response to the R-134-vapor-compression-cycle-chilled air, via
perspiration droplets excreting salts along with them, you feeling the
social-convention-urge to remove this waste this very day, lest it
lead to body odor, proceeding to remove using chemically-produced
surfactants, whose byproducts are stored and neutralized with yet
other chemical compounds with their own product lifecycles, excepting
the volumes that self-described-savvy manufacturer's management,
deciding to dispense with all environmentally-friendly regulations,
simply dispose directly into sewer systems, thus securing short-term
financial gain, this sludge, flowing into streams and rivers, mixing
with your kidney-filtered, hydro-soluble remnants of
simple-carbohydrate-rich drink that, by virtue of its excessive
caffeination, triggers another autonomic response—evacuation--flowing
languidly, hydrating livestock that makes it into your bathroom, your
choice of soap being animal-fat based...
radiation, cubic-feet-per-second of water flow, powering your
hardware, cooling your home, maintaining your prescribed thermostatic
setting, screaming electrons producing radiant heat passing through
skillfully-engineered strata of silicon, configured as transistors,
shrunk to micro-order-of-magnitude dimensions, you averaging 22
respiratory cycles, involuntarily generating an unmeasured number of
peristaltic movements, forcing measurable milligrams of simple
carbohydrates, your digestive system converting into
direct-proportion-levels of glucose, 72 beats of your heart (10%
measurement tolerance) pumping this nourishment and O2 to hungry
mytochondriae, feverishly processing adenosine-triphosphate, keeping
your core temperature at 37.0 degrees celcius (1% measurement
tolerance) in natural-selection-perfected autonomic-nervous-system
response to the R-134-vapor-compression-cycle-chilled air, via
perspiration droplets excreting salts along with them, you feeling the
social-convention-urge to remove this waste this very day, lest it
lead to body odor, proceeding to remove using chemically-produced
surfactants, whose byproducts are stored and neutralized with yet
other chemical compounds with their own product lifecycles, excepting
the volumes that self-described-savvy manufacturer's management,
deciding to dispense with all environmentally-friendly regulations,
simply dispose directly into sewer systems, thus securing short-term
financial gain, this sludge, flowing into streams and rivers, mixing
with your kidney-filtered, hydro-soluble remnants of
simple-carbohydrate-rich drink that, by virtue of its excessive
caffeination, triggers another autonomic response—evacuation--flowing
languidly, hydrating livestock that makes it into your bathroom, your
choice of soap being animal-fat based...
7.29.2007
concept of time
concept of time, trails away 110 mph, i, 65 mph, it; push so hard, i can taste mouth exploding in array of conflicting stray currents of flavours. i feel imminent brain-O2 starvation, struggling to maintain perception, fighting 50-50-odds battle against total loss of consciousness. become resigned to win sheer-struggle-push, because necessary, challenge winnable, while lungs cycle, racing like positive displacement pumps, no impeller-vane loss, air that nurtures, restores, obliges, burns.
phosphene apparitions, halos of color, constellationed stars, pulsate and glow, confuse, expand. sweat secretes hot, moisture of life, now ice on skin that burns magnesium white, unstoppable, ignited by beats of sodium-exposed trigger. bodily functions, aiming to fail as push remains unstructured, ever-present, revolting, bringing memories to O2-deprived brain: first marathon, first challenge, different time, state of mind normally abnormal, abnormally normal.
no zest for pain today, endurance-test cramping. creeping sodium-potassium balance disturbed but not challenged: the wall, that infinite wall that, once crossed, offers view of non-1984 utopia, green as it must, as it should, yet transition to gray that even flawed, is beauty in decay, brick calcinated, mortar chewed by teeth of low-pH precipitation.
now, final putsch. one more try. no enlightenment today, can tell. too much ground, copper 36 inches down, path to earth, all faults, flashes of conscious unrest, synaptic cycles wasted, grounded, held captive a spirit escaping a body, tied with an eight-follow-through, which it wants to break, without luck, escape, for a second or two, in search of the light that it cannot describe, a light that it sees, does not cast but peace, a light that one sees through half-opened eyes, half starved demise, half dying mind.
battleground blood flows through miles of pipes, that tunnel through a 40-year-old infrastructure of love and disdain, guts and a brain...but not quite. how far will i go today? for how long will i hunt this elusive prey? will i fail to adhere to the concept of time, as a life turns eternal, and our deities, femtosecond-decay?
phosphene apparitions, halos of color, constellationed stars, pulsate and glow, confuse, expand. sweat secretes hot, moisture of life, now ice on skin that burns magnesium white, unstoppable, ignited by beats of sodium-exposed trigger. bodily functions, aiming to fail as push remains unstructured, ever-present, revolting, bringing memories to O2-deprived brain: first marathon, first challenge, different time, state of mind normally abnormal, abnormally normal.
no zest for pain today, endurance-test cramping. creeping sodium-potassium balance disturbed but not challenged: the wall, that infinite wall that, once crossed, offers view of non-1984 utopia, green as it must, as it should, yet transition to gray that even flawed, is beauty in decay, brick calcinated, mortar chewed by teeth of low-pH precipitation.
now, final putsch. one more try. no enlightenment today, can tell. too much ground, copper 36 inches down, path to earth, all faults, flashes of conscious unrest, synaptic cycles wasted, grounded, held captive a spirit escaping a body, tied with an eight-follow-through, which it wants to break, without luck, escape, for a second or two, in search of the light that it cannot describe, a light that it sees, does not cast but peace, a light that one sees through half-opened eyes, half starved demise, half dying mind.
battleground blood flows through miles of pipes, that tunnel through a 40-year-old infrastructure of love and disdain, guts and a brain...but not quite. how far will i go today? for how long will i hunt this elusive prey? will i fail to adhere to the concept of time, as a life turns eternal, and our deities, femtosecond-decay?
7.27.2007
elation
mirror loyal, white crystals?
heart sultry, displaced emotions?
energy dancing, open pupils?
heart sultry, displaced emotions?
energy dancing, open pupils?
leather elegant, blistered limbs?
razor tranquil, fresh wounds?
flesh beguiling, night ends?
graphite stoic, paper endless?
copy gleeful, manuscript fills?
life atoning, elusive visions?
7.17.2007
love, avenging
the mischief of your lips,
poppies swaying, warm zephyr.
the poetry of your laughter,
loving call the robin seeks.
your body's pearly glow,
morning dew i must taste.
the essence of your state,
sweet, simple honey flow.
poppies swaying, warm zephyr.
the poetry of your laughter,
loving call the robin seeks.
your body's pearly glow,
morning dew i must taste.
the essence of your state,
sweet, simple honey flow.
the fineness of your face,
moon of night, spell unfurls.
the secret of your curls,
black is night, deep is maze.
death fallen on your eyes,
fire burns, holy light.
your honor, sword of might,
justice swift, wrong it rights.
amor vengador
la travesura de tus labios,
amapolas en la brisa.
la poesía de tu risa,
el coloquio de los mirlos.
el brillo de tu piel,
rocío, yo quiero beber.
la presencia de tu ser,
dulce y simple, virgen miel.
la fineza de tu tez,
luna llena, es hechizo.
el secreto de tu rizo,
una noche en el fez.
la muerte en tus ojos,
fuego quema, luz sagrada.
tu honor sera mi espada,
juicio justo, yerros viejos.
amapolas en la brisa.
la poesía de tu risa,
el coloquio de los mirlos.
el brillo de tu piel,
rocío, yo quiero beber.
la presencia de tu ser,
dulce y simple, virgen miel.
la fineza de tu tez,
luna llena, es hechizo.
el secreto de tu rizo,
una noche en el fez.
la muerte en tus ojos,
fuego quema, luz sagrada.
tu honor sera mi espada,
juicio justo, yerros viejos.
7.08.2007
40 proof distorsion
i
recall spinning lavender sounds, midsummer's lucid parody.
feel
heartbeats tasting dark white, explosive moon rise.
pain
conspiring gentle shrill visions, fire chilled thoughts.
within
my mind's contriving touch, acrid silent crash.
me,
distrusting death's deafening smell, alluring memory numbness.
recall spinning lavender sounds, midsummer's lucid parody.
feel
heartbeats tasting dark white, explosive moon rise.
pain
conspiring gentle shrill visions, fire chilled thoughts.
within
my mind's contriving touch, acrid silent crash.
me,
distrusting death's deafening smell, alluring memory numbness.
7.07.2007
a lash: algo verde
con luz ilumina pradera,
con sombra enferma ribera.
con sombra enferma ribera.
en bandera vuela soberbia,
a guerra pueblos envía.
cicatrices lloran savia penitente.
raices beben deshecho constante.
naturaleza viva, tiñe color.
paz, envidia, opuesto verdor.
pigmento de vida serena,
pinta la muerte, gangrena.
tus ojos, emeraldas, amor,
inmadurez rindes con temor.
símbolo de vida inminente,
nuestra tierra muriendo ardiente.
evitamos pregunta, gran cobardía.
nosotros causamos esta miseria.
dolor, lastima lagrima primera,
quiriendo ella, no espera.
7.02.2007
to lash something green
life, illuminate meadow;
river sicken, cold shadow.
upon banner fly high,
peace between lands deny.
savia create root-deep,
decay, lapping your feet.
your eyes, esmeraldas, amor.
ripeness surrender, ignore.
wake spring, life serene.
tinge dead flesh, gangrene.
nature's gift, undeniable splendor.
serenity, envy, juxtaposition, verdor.
sign of imminent life.
us, mother earth, strife.
dare not ask why.
pain truly decry.
grief, regret, sorrow.
here today, gone tomorrow.
river sicken, cold shadow.
upon banner fly high,
peace between lands deny.
savia create root-deep,
decay, lapping your feet.
your eyes, esmeraldas, amor.
ripeness surrender, ignore.
wake spring, life serene.
tinge dead flesh, gangrene.
nature's gift, undeniable splendor.
serenity, envy, juxtaposition, verdor.
sign of imminent life.
us, mother earth, strife.
dare not ask why.
pain truly decry.
grief, regret, sorrow.
here today, gone tomorrow.
7.01.2007
state
caffeine-induced deterministic clairvoyancy; semi-darkness where images appear pixelated, blurred by white noise, sign of analog media's life-expectancy exceeded.
breath slow, as if deep, obligated; yet subtly shallow. relative calm acting as subtext; feel pulse, each beat, increasing by 1dB awareness of surroundings.
hyper-awareness overloading the senses, shielding out spurious signals not intended for the cerebral mass consumption. profound depth of perception, agitated calmness.
breath slow, as if deep, obligated; yet subtly shallow. relative calm acting as subtext; feel pulse, each beat, increasing by 1dB awareness of surroundings.
hyper-awareness overloading the senses, shielding out spurious signals not intended for the cerebral mass consumption. profound depth of perception, agitated calmness.
6.18.2007
ode (a translation)
your body, whole.
morsel i crave for.
your mind, gold.
treasure i search for.
your tresses, breeze.
push i drift for.
your eyes, star.
brightness i ache for.
your lips, ember.
heat i die for.
your bosom, omen.
sign i pray for.
your legs, path.
destination i yearn for.
inhuman desire,
whirlwind, of fire.
love true.
return it…will you?
morsel i crave for.
your mind, gold.
treasure i search for.
your tresses, breeze.
push i drift for.
your eyes, star.
brightness i ache for.
your lips, ember.
heat i die for.
your bosom, omen.
sign i pray for.
your legs, path.
destination i yearn for.
inhuman desire,
whirlwind, of fire.
love true.
return it…will you?
6.14.2007
oda
tu cuerpo entero,
manjar fino.
manjar fino.
tu mente, oro.
tesoro eterno.
tus rizos, velero.
viento lejano.
tus ojos, lucero,
iluminan camino.
tus labios, brasero.
calor asesino.
tus senos, crucero.
envío divino.
tus piernas, sendero.
añoro destino.
deseo inhumano,
cual torbellino.
amor sincero,
¿retornas? ¿si? ¿no?
experimental #0001
these thoughts impure,
i must endure.
escape from me.
depart.
your love impart,
for being apart,
torture for me.
pain.
my sorrow contain,
try in vain.
inflict upon me,
abuse.
your fire use,
forgive me muse.
desire tear me.
sufrir.
no quiero vivir.
me quiero morir.
¿quieres a mí,
dejar?
¿me quieres matar?
me quiero vengar.
deshazte de mí.
vivir.
sólo quiero vivir,
but staying here,
life in me,
loose.
my love refuse,
death pallor induce.
blood in me,
constrain.
say it again
truth don’t restrain.
tenderly, hold me.
heart.
your words hurt,
requiem, tragic art.
life for me,
unsure.
i must endure.
escape from me.
depart.
your love impart,
for being apart,
torture for me.
pain.
my sorrow contain,
try in vain.
inflict upon me,
abuse.
your fire use,
forgive me muse.
desire tear me.
sufrir.
no quiero vivir.
me quiero morir.
¿quieres a mí,
dejar?
¿me quieres matar?
me quiero vengar.
deshazte de mí.
vivir.
sólo quiero vivir,
but staying here,
life in me,
loose.
my love refuse,
death pallor induce.
blood in me,
constrain.
say it again
truth don’t restrain.
tenderly, hold me.
heart.
your words hurt,
requiem, tragic art.
life for me,
unsure.
6.13.2007
wallow in loathe; bask in dread; thrive on disdain
loathe and dread,
i cannot contain.
my daily bread.
should i refrain?
i cannot contain.
my daily bread.
should i refrain?
life's common thread.
always the same.
is it inbred?
pleasure of pain.
fearful edge tread.
this feeling disdain.
a maddening threat.
fight in vain?
easy
'hate myself for the damage, but don't think twice about causing it.
it feels so good at the time, yet turns so regretable later.
always, so eager to inflict. when done, so easy to sulk over.
so difficult to say "won't" so easy to renege on the word.
how easy it is to loathe self; troubling this love with self-hate.
are we quick to fall down? why so diffident to embrace joy?
how different do you think it would be, if turned 180 around?
6.04.2007
5.28.2007
drunk
we all know, but we shall not give a crap. it is the way. it has worked before, and it will work now: we shall tell all, but ignore as well.
it has worked. it will work now…who the blast cares? do you think it is pity i seek? you have to be wrong; i hope you are wrong. pity? how about giving a crap? pathetic. i do not. nor should you, for that is not it, in the least.
¡¡¡¡¡ for piss’ sake, abre los putos ojos, coño!!!!! ¡¡¡¡qué parida, hostia!!!! ¡¡¡piensa!!! ¡¡la verdad, es lo que es!! ¡ignorancia no es la solución, hostia!
pero, si a ti no te importa, a mí tampoco. la ignorancia es reciproca. y si no te gusta esta situación, apáñatelas como quieras, porque ya me las apaño yo. y si os creéis que esto es sobre algo específico, que ignorantes sois.
you do not care; i wonder if you even care about appearances, you just do not care.
gatorade it is not. gatorade you could care less if it was or not.
sympathy. sympathy. you could care less. you could not care less. you could not understand any less. you could not ignore any less. if quiet i would have remained, quiet would you have stayed? ignorant, you would have remained.
it is acceptable to have problems it is acceptable to ignore, even if it will not go away, even if it will just linger.
hey everybody has problems, why shouldn't you?
it has worked. it will work now…who the blast cares? do you think it is pity i seek? you have to be wrong; i hope you are wrong. pity? how about giving a crap? pathetic. i do not. nor should you, for that is not it, in the least.
¡¡¡¡¡ for piss’ sake, abre los putos ojos, coño!!!!! ¡¡¡¡qué parida, hostia!!!! ¡¡¡piensa!!! ¡¡la verdad, es lo que es!! ¡ignorancia no es la solución, hostia!
pero, si a ti no te importa, a mí tampoco. la ignorancia es reciproca. y si no te gusta esta situación, apáñatelas como quieras, porque ya me las apaño yo. y si os creéis que esto es sobre algo específico, que ignorantes sois.
you do not care; i wonder if you even care about appearances, you just do not care.
gatorade it is not. gatorade you could care less if it was or not.
sympathy. sympathy. you could care less. you could not care less. you could not understand any less. you could not ignore any less. if quiet i would have remained, quiet would you have stayed? ignorant, you would have remained.
it is acceptable to have problems it is acceptable to ignore, even if it will not go away, even if it will just linger.
hey everybody has problems, why shouldn't you?
5.20.2007
v1.0 filaments of keratin
one
happily, consciousness loosing.
externally, mind buzzing.
distantly, sound, retreating.
deeply, brainwaves affecting.
gently, tugging beginning.
fleetingly, weight retreating.
physically, down rolling.
soundlessly, slough falling.
regretfully, prattle encouraging.
unpleasantly, words flowing.
quietly, silence wishing.
unfortunately, you denying.
forcefully, time joining.
passively, peace demanding.
mechanically, you, performing,
biologically, i, needing.
two
respite.
a day in perspective.
brain waves—alpha,
on the rise, theta.
again you attempt to deny,
gregariousness, misplaced, i decry.
the stupor, the drone, the purple-blue lights.
lights that burn, disinfect, and detect if you lie.
stops abrupt, as a word you put,
i return, not of want but, of choice that you took.
three
finally i must
happily, consciousness loosing.
externally, mind buzzing.
distantly, sound, retreating.
deeply, brainwaves affecting.
gently, tugging beginning.
fleetingly, weight retreating.
physically, down rolling.
soundlessly, slough falling.
regretfully, prattle encouraging.
unpleasantly, words flowing.
quietly, silence wishing.
unfortunately, you denying.
forcefully, time joining.
passively, peace demanding.
mechanically, you, performing,
biologically, i, needing.
two
respite.
a day in perspective.
brain waves—alpha,
on the rise, theta.
again you attempt to deny,
gregariousness, misplaced, i decry.
the stupor, the drone, the purple-blue lights.
lights that burn, disinfect, and detect if you lie.
stops abrupt, as a word you put,
i return, not of want but, of choice that you took.
three
finally i must
depart all this dust
the unlikely sounds
that relaxed my frown
to the point that my smile
misunderstood for a while
made you no longer shy
and my feelings die
like Buddha i was
like Buddha i was
enlightenment my task
like iron i wrought
trouble all that it brought
v2.0 like, hair, you know?
"…so, like, you know, Mrs.-stylist-or-whatever, I pay you to do my hair, and not, like, to bore me." so, like, I did not, like, really tell her, as-if! but she, like, kept going on and on, like she could not stop, like she had taken an oral laxative or something? And, like, my day to-ta-lly sucked, and all, and all I want to do is, like, relax, and like have her do me? …oh-my-gosh, did I, like, just say that? Do me? Eeewww! No, no, no…she is "doing my "do," doing my "do!"" oh-my-gosh: gross! Whatever…
So, like, my eyes, like, close, and it feels like I'm totally floating or something, and the hair just, like, falls, and all, and its weird 'cos, like, I feel it falling, and, like, I'm thinking, like, "if I was standing on one of those scale thingies, would I, like, weigh less, or something?" Whatever…
Anywho, she just keeps going on and on and, like, keeps totally talking my ear off, like when you call my cell, and, like, we talk, but, like, that is, like, totally different, and I swear, I'm, like, oh-my-gosh, like, "you don't get the clue?" "Hel-lo-o-o; is there anyone, like, in there?"
So, like, the tanning-booth-fan-thingies, or whatever, the ones that keep you cool and all, but you, like, sweat like the football team practicing, like, they are sooo to-ta-lly hot anyway, but, like, they are to-ta-lly gross later...anywho...and don't the lights, like, burn you with..."you-be," "ultera-v," "ulter-vio"...whatever, and, like, don't they, like, kill cooties or something, and, like, my nerd brother says they, like, show your drool on your pillow, and, like, totally—eeewww—stuff, like, oh-my-gosh, so-gross...
Well, like, they turn the fan-thingies off, 'cos some chick is, like, done, and, I swear, I'm relaxing, 'cos the noise they make is, like, dreamy, or something, so, like, I'm, like, "this is tooo much," and fi-na-lly, I'm, like, done, but a total bitch, 'cos I could not snooze and all… and, I'm, like, 'if she just shut-UP"...what-ever...
So, like, my eyes, like, close, and it feels like I'm totally floating or something, and the hair just, like, falls, and all, and its weird 'cos, like, I feel it falling, and, like, I'm thinking, like, "if I was standing on one of those scale thingies, would I, like, weigh less, or something?" Whatever…
Anywho, she just keeps going on and on and, like, keeps totally talking my ear off, like when you call my cell, and, like, we talk, but, like, that is, like, totally different, and I swear, I'm, like, oh-my-gosh, like, "you don't get the clue?" "Hel-lo-o-o; is there anyone, like, in there?"
So, like, the tanning-booth-fan-thingies, or whatever, the ones that keep you cool and all, but you, like, sweat like the football team practicing, like, they are sooo to-ta-lly hot anyway, but, like, they are to-ta-lly gross later...anywho...and don't the lights, like, burn you with..."you-be," "ultera-v," "ulter-vio"...whatever, and, like, don't they, like, kill cooties or something, and, like, my nerd brother says they, like, show your drool on your pillow, and, like, totally—eeewww—stuff, like, oh-my-gosh, so-gross...
Well, like, they turn the fan-thingies off, 'cos some chick is, like, done, and, I swear, I'm relaxing, 'cos the noise they make is, like, dreamy, or something, so, like, I'm, like, "this is tooo much," and fi-na-lly, I'm, like, done, but a total bitch, 'cos I could not snooze and all… and, I'm, like, 'if she just shut-UP"...what-ever...
5.15.2007
Lithium
occasionally, i post lyrics on the possibility that songs, artists, unknown, may soothe...
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go. Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium,...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.
Evanescence
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go. Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium,...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.
Evanescence
5.13.2007
i live in the place you live
i hide it, well enough, i think. others have told me that i am “cranky” lately. i tell them this is not the case (i honestly do not feel hypomanic…). internalized, it all builds up however, and these words become the pressure-release valve that prevents my boiler-brain from bursting.
the boiler though, subjected to constant cycling, is starting to deteriorate, metal-fatigue, stress-crack. i am afraid it is time to decide whether to:
a. overhaul this major assembly, closely following the (hopefully) non-destructive inspection procedures, and installing additional pressure-release valves to comply with emergency safety directives.
b. continue to operate the boiler to terminal failure.
the boiler though, subjected to constant cycling, is starting to deteriorate, metal-fatigue, stress-crack. i am afraid it is time to decide whether to:
a. overhaul this major assembly, closely following the (hopefully) non-destructive inspection procedures, and installing additional pressure-release valves to comply with emergency safety directives.
b. continue to operate the boiler to terminal failure.
i have spoken of death before
afraid of the future, i march, stalwart, to face this fear. i think of the futility of existence, but remain curious about the trials ahead.
Others keep me wanting to know how the novel ends. events capture my fancy: what lies around the corner? imagination feeds conjectures about where the road ends.
must not jump to the last chapter, should not peek around the corner, not take the shortcut to the end of the road. how much i will regret, so greatly i will yearn, fathom the shortcut being the wrong one.
Others keep me wanting to know how the novel ends. events capture my fancy: what lies around the corner? imagination feeds conjectures about where the road ends.
must not jump to the last chapter, should not peek around the corner, not take the shortcut to the end of the road. how much i will regret, so greatly i will yearn, fathom the shortcut being the wrong one.
5.10.2007
act two: so plain to see, so easy to ignore
we have become conditioned to ignore
ignorance is bliss
a blissful existence is addictive
addiction is hell to break
hell is to vomit shiver convulse yourself back to reality
ignorance is bliss
a blissful existence is addictive
addiction is hell to break
hell is to vomit shiver convulse yourself back to reality
5.09.2007
act three: lacrimous eyes, internal distress
i do not judge towering from a bench, or preach, lofty, from a pulpit.
i spew my mind onto salt-cracked asphalt,
retch thoughts on sidewalk-concrete,
heave feelings into binary waste.
my mind: runoff, traversing Internet sewers.
i spew my mind onto salt-cracked asphalt,
retch thoughts on sidewalk-concrete,
heave feelings into binary waste.
my mind: runoff, traversing Internet sewers.
5.08.2007
wild green onions
again, i had to. run. madly. impulsively. got to park. change. pee (not, tmi (1) there is a reason why i tell). ipod on. dj mazi: appropriate. trail head, smell of wild green onions. pungent, evoking, fresh, grassy. begin. slow. energy low. may have over trained last two weeks. maybe its soy milk+decaf+pumpkin seeds+pear+grapefruit (500 kcal (2))…maybe its 3.5 hours of sleep…maybe both? but, speed i do, post-warm-up.
mouth parched, gum notwithstanding. breath…could it be that my extra-long taste is…wild green onions? run, now downhill. pick up speed (why not?). no need to pace. mud desiccated. unfortunate. some wet; not enough in quantity/quality. must do cross-check: hr (3) 178 bpm (4), steady. slight pain: cramp onset. endurable. persevere. sore. will wild green onion liniment help?
run 60% complete. "urge." "urge," without basis: i peed already (i did say this was not tmi). what in hell?! not first time this happens. cringe. again? imaginary, interesting, prognosis: early onset incontinence. “well, txandi, there is nothing i can do for you. your symptoms are temporal, causal. they do not warrant medication. furthermore, do you want to add imipramine (if you can believe this, a tricyclic antidepressant to stop you from peeing?) to your daily non-rda (5) supplements, do you?" "you should look into something less….medical: wild green onion incontinence protective undergarments…"the brand that never stops...absorbing (tm).""
wild green onions. interesting fixation. permanent olfactory imprint, akin a pup to its bitch? am i destined to associate the smell of wild green onions to…the "urge?"
stats (6): 2 miles. 14 minutes, 45 seconds. heart rate: 178 bpm average, 185 maximum (generic rule of thumb: 220-age=maximum bpm).
(1) too much information
(2) kilocalories
(3) heart rate
(4) beats per minute
(5) recommended daily allowance
(6) statistics
5.06.2007
souls broken
¿are we broken? browning petals off budding roses.
¿are we souls? mindless folly, bound to lore.
¿are we broken souls? retched lives, destined to hope.
¿are we souls? mindless folly, bound to lore.
¿are we broken souls? retched lives, destined to hope.
5.04.2007
how far - how fast - how soon
MDOC invited me during our last session to return sooner rather than later: invite me!
i was the one doing the inviting up to this time! or was i? i giggled when she said this. sagaciously, she asked, “and, how does that make you feel?”? i said "i find it amusing, simply.” later, i overheard her instructions to the receptionist: being booked, she actually created an appointment time just for me. how does that make me feel?
it is good, i hear, read. everyone says: physical fitness is good.
what should i learn? to turn my eyes away from my park? my trail? i push. deprivation, self control, stoicism. it is good. is it enough? can i push myself beyond the pain? can i outrun the pain? when will it not be? when will i push to see how far i can push...driving? drinking...? i push at what i enjoy pushing. when will i push at what i do not?
i think of death, not suicide. fine line? i think so.
i close the garage door, and i think how long can i run the car before the CO overwhelms me? i think of the sensory reaction to death, the smell as you die, maybe metallic like dried blood, the sound of your last breath, amplified like a train entering a tunnel.
i listen to music. my reaction? outside the norm.
the solution? what is the solution? never to listen to music? learn to recognize when music drops me over the abyss of lows, flings me into the pit of the mixed, or shoots me into an ionospheric high? is this reasonable? is this life?
i was the one doing the inviting up to this time! or was i? i giggled when she said this. sagaciously, she asked, “and, how does that make you feel?”? i said "i find it amusing, simply.” later, i overheard her instructions to the receptionist: being booked, she actually created an appointment time just for me. how does that make me feel?
it is good, i hear, read. everyone says: physical fitness is good.
what should i learn? to turn my eyes away from my park? my trail? i push. deprivation, self control, stoicism. it is good. is it enough? can i push myself beyond the pain? can i outrun the pain? when will it not be? when will i push to see how far i can push...driving? drinking...? i push at what i enjoy pushing. when will i push at what i do not?
i think of death, not suicide. fine line? i think so.
i close the garage door, and i think how long can i run the car before the CO overwhelms me? i think of the sensory reaction to death, the smell as you die, maybe metallic like dried blood, the sound of your last breath, amplified like a train entering a tunnel.
i listen to music. my reaction? outside the norm.
the solution? what is the solution? never to listen to music? learn to recognize when music drops me over the abyss of lows, flings me into the pit of the mixed, or shoots me into an ionospheric high? is this reasonable? is this life?
5.03.2007
why does it haunt me?
it scares me, what i know. i do not want to scare you. even in relative anonymity, i hesitate to open the door completely...
...let the deceiving (bitter)sweetness of my benzene memories be replaced by inert gas, odorless mixture...
N2O2
...let the fetid stench of my hydrogen-sulfide-thoughts be displaced by less pestilent matter in gaseous state...
CO?
...let the mycotoxin-laden-shreds of my feelings be neutralized, a final solution implemented...
zyklon b?
...let the deceiving (bitter)sweetness of my benzene memories be replaced by inert gas, odorless mixture...
N2O2
...let the fetid stench of my hydrogen-sulfide-thoughts be displaced by less pestilent matter in gaseous state...
CO?
...let the mycotoxin-laden-shreds of my feelings be neutralized, a final solution implemented...
zyklon b?
5.02.2007
belonging, i did not ask for this, and the black cat
bipolar without question, i question belonging.
is this the appropriate context? am in the right setting?
you post about your life. i post my puzzling thoughts.
you share valuable information, i obfuscate reality (disinformation as survival instinct?)
you write matter-offactly, conversationally. my words fight each other for form, jockey for function.
you write in english, i write in tongues.
i desire to post plainly, but technical terms, obscure metaphors, incomprehensible similes, unintelligible txandiisms...
two minutes and thirty three seconds in my psyche, follow. pay particular attention to the devolvement of thought. refer to the comments for additional insight
gato es negro. (so i lived in España, that is why i know...)
le chat est noir. (this, i just know, do not know how...)
die katze ist schwarz. (i lived in Deutschland too...i still get der-die-das confused, though)
black as night, the cat is. ( o - k - a - y )
the cat, its shadow, one. (this is taking a life of its own)
the feline's pigmentation, obscure as its demeanor. ("whatever you say, dear")
vortex of night, total eclipse, projections onto the cat's fur. (total left field)
why can i not simply write simply?
do i help? does this help? do i need help? do I belong?
is this the appropriate context? am in the right setting?
you post about your life. i post my puzzling thoughts.
you share valuable information, i obfuscate reality (disinformation as survival instinct?)
you write matter-offactly, conversationally. my words fight each other for form, jockey for function.
you write in english, i write in tongues.
i desire to post plainly, but technical terms, obscure metaphors, incomprehensible similes, unintelligible txandiisms...
two minutes and thirty three seconds in my psyche, follow. pay particular attention to the devolvement of thought. refer to the comments for additional insight
gato es negro. (so i lived in España, that is why i know...)
le chat est noir. (this, i just know, do not know how...)
die katze ist schwarz. (i lived in Deutschland too...i still get der-die-das confused, though)
black as night, the cat is. ( o - k - a - y )
the cat, its shadow, one. (this is taking a life of its own)
the feline's pigmentation, obscure as its demeanor. ("whatever you say, dear")
vortex of night, total eclipse, projections onto the cat's fur. (total left field)
why can i not simply write simply?
do i help? does this help? do i need help? do I belong?
5.01.2007
the contrary virtues: abstinence and i
abstinence, i do not practice: it happens;
it is not abstinence, as much as it is hunger.
interesting state, bearable, but gnawing, trying, yet unintended.
it is here, it is now. it chews and subdues.
i should eat. i have food. i would disturb, intrude.
i reflect in this cavitating stupor; i relax in this emptiness.
today i subsisted on 700 kilocalories, of which 279, i expended during my midday retreat.
i feel myself full of life, while on the verge of loosing consciousness.
i sense freedom of thought and movement.
i experience the pain of my brain under hypoglycemic stress.
i become aware of thresholds; i learn of artificial limits.
it feels good. why change what feels good?
i am warding off gluttony. i am virtuous.
deadly sin, gluttony, i vanquish thee.
i save myself, i redeem myself.
from what? irrelevant.
it is not abstinence, as much as it is hunger.
interesting state, bearable, but gnawing, trying, yet unintended.
it is here, it is now. it chews and subdues.
i should eat. i have food. i would disturb, intrude.
i reflect in this cavitating stupor; i relax in this emptiness.
today i subsisted on 700 kilocalories, of which 279, i expended during my midday retreat.
i feel myself full of life, while on the verge of loosing consciousness.
i sense freedom of thought and movement.
i experience the pain of my brain under hypoglycemic stress.
i become aware of thresholds; i learn of artificial limits.
it feels good. why change what feels good?
i am warding off gluttony. i am virtuous.
deadly sin, gluttony, i vanquish thee.
i save myself, i redeem myself.
from what? irrelevant.
Psychomachia; the contrary virtues
the origin of the contrary virtues can be traced to a poem by Latin poet Prudentius.
contrary virtues allegedly stave off the Seven Deadly Sins:
humility counters pride
kindness counters envy
abstinence counters gluttony
chastity counters lust
patience counters anger
liberality counters greed
diligence counters sloth
contrary virtues allegedly stave off the Seven Deadly Sins:
humility counters pride
kindness counters envy
abstinence counters gluttony
chastity counters lust
patience counters anger
liberality counters greed
diligence counters sloth
4.27.2007
i do not know
why would you think my post implied abuse? was my subconscious speaking for me? i cannot recall, but if i could would i want to? if i would want to, could i? why can i almost recall something, but not wholly?
why does there appear to be a blank where i want to find a memory? from where does this mistrust to catholic priest come? why was this last question so difficult to pose? why does the thought revolt me? why this guttural reaction, so overpowering, so wretchedly sickening?
did you know i was reared catholic? did you know i went to catholic school? did you know what i do not remember i remember happening during school? was the obvious to you, not apparent to me? what am i supposed to do now? are my woes not enough?
did you help me by revealing the obvious? did you do a disservice by revealing the obscure?
why does there appear to be a blank where i want to find a memory? from where does this mistrust to catholic priest come? why was this last question so difficult to pose? why does the thought revolt me? why this guttural reaction, so overpowering, so wretchedly sickening?
did you know i was reared catholic? did you know i went to catholic school? did you know what i do not remember i remember happening during school? was the obvious to you, not apparent to me? what am i supposed to do now? are my woes not enough?
did you help me by revealing the obvious? did you do a disservice by revealing the obscure?
3.15.2007
La vida
eight hours,
two hundred words.
am i getting worse?
defy convention with madness.
Blunderous implementation of nothingness.
What will the day bring, but sorrow. forgiveness?
confusing feeling, tenacity.
approach the world with alacrity.
stop, cannot at mediocrity.
two hundred words.
am i getting worse?
defy convention with madness.
Blunderous implementation of nothingness.
What will the day bring, but sorrow. forgiveness?
confusing feeling, tenacity.
approach the world with alacrity.
stop, cannot at mediocrity.
3.09.2007
apotheosized apotropaic apostasy
my eyes closed,
retreat to my church.
retreat to my church.
aggregator of power,
mind, rss of revolt.
3.05.2007
soy | am not
without you, i am biology,
respiration, excretion.
i am computer,
input, output.
systemics,
principles, relationship.
i am chemistry,
elements, reaction.
without you, i am physics,
action, reaction.
you elevate me beyond biology.
beyond computer.
systemics.
beyond chemistry.
you elevate me beyond physics.
i feel a rose turn.
pearls of dew upon vermilion velvet.
a portrait turn.
pixels of love, perfection on paper.
[1] in a 2, fear of perdition.
now, your words turn.
ash upon cleansing white flame.
i feel you turn memory.
comfort of arms that brought me closer.
respiration, excretion.
i am computer,
input, output.
systemics,
principles, relationship.
i am chemistry,
elements, reaction.
without you, i am physics,
action, reaction.
you elevate me beyond biology.
beyond computer.
systemics.
beyond chemistry.
you elevate me beyond physics.
i feel a rose turn.
pearls of dew upon vermilion velvet.
a portrait turn.
pixels of love, perfection on paper.
[1] in a 2, fear of perdition.
now, your words turn.
ash upon cleansing white flame.
i feel you turn memory.
comfort of arms that brought me closer.
3.04.2007
2.25.2007
High Fidelity
love to the third power
love not = bijective function
love = gestalt
does the concept of synergy within the greater context of systems theory apply to love?
throughout history, countless instances of love, of 2+1, 1+2, explicit, implicit, exist. platonic, idyllic, carnal: the range. yet convention denies. society represses. a 1 challenges the 2, or 2 the 1.
in the continuum of permutations, mine.
once, i was the (1). my love for 1 in the 2, blinded me gracefully to the 2. i (1) knew the love; 1 was deeply and equally in love with me (1)...and the other [1]. when 1 admitted love, love was earnest. love was pure feeling, pure joy, blanket of fresh snow.
did the other [1] know? whether or if, it concerned me not. 1 was for me what 1 was willing to give me. i, (1) gratefully accepted. no regret. no antipathy. deeper than friendship, friendship beyond. passionate embrace, warmth of caress, submission to kiss. fulfillment, 1 offered; more, 1 offered, more 1 wanted, more 1 needed. i (1) did too.
i was the (1). i let 1 go, return to the 2. my love for 1, deep as it was, grew in the parting. in giving i (1) loved, in love i (1) remained. like a dream, it lingers. in memories it floats; pristine, elevating, a chapel to retreat when in need.
love, not of the flesh. farther removed from this reality, a connection to the core of existence in less than 14 hours within less than 14 days; soulmates within a fortnight; soulmate to a soulmate of another. unconflicting. enriching. elevating. it still is. it will always be.
now, again, love unspoken, for it will never be mentioned, defined as anything other than the love between friends by 1 to 2, 1 to (1), or (1) to 1. 1 will not love (1). 1 and (1) are friends, dear. (1) will be friend to 1. friend will be lover.
love constrained, red star, will grow supernova. (1) longing for 1; 1 desiring (1). love nurtured beyond physical bounds. spirits intertwined, bodies removed. metaphysical communion.
sensual purity. lovers undesirous of imaginary climax, chaste. lovers restrained to fantasies about fantasizing about a hypoplatonic instant. and their love, oh! their love. more intense than many so called, many physically rooted: all?
i (1) consumed, grow
our love grows
unspoken, as it must
love not = bijective function
love = gestalt
does the concept of synergy within the greater context of systems theory apply to love?
throughout history, countless instances of love, of 2+1, 1+2, explicit, implicit, exist. platonic, idyllic, carnal: the range. yet convention denies. society represses. a 1 challenges the 2, or 2 the 1.
in the continuum of permutations, mine.
once, i was the (1). my love for 1 in the 2, blinded me gracefully to the 2. i (1) knew the love; 1 was deeply and equally in love with me (1)...and the other [1]. when 1 admitted love, love was earnest. love was pure feeling, pure joy, blanket of fresh snow.
did the other [1] know? whether or if, it concerned me not. 1 was for me what 1 was willing to give me. i, (1) gratefully accepted. no regret. no antipathy. deeper than friendship, friendship beyond. passionate embrace, warmth of caress, submission to kiss. fulfillment, 1 offered; more, 1 offered, more 1 wanted, more 1 needed. i (1) did too.
i was the (1). i let 1 go, return to the 2. my love for 1, deep as it was, grew in the parting. in giving i (1) loved, in love i (1) remained. like a dream, it lingers. in memories it floats; pristine, elevating, a chapel to retreat when in need.
love, not of the flesh. farther removed from this reality, a connection to the core of existence in less than 14 hours within less than 14 days; soulmates within a fortnight; soulmate to a soulmate of another. unconflicting. enriching. elevating. it still is. it will always be.
now, again, love unspoken, for it will never be mentioned, defined as anything other than the love between friends by 1 to 2, 1 to (1), or (1) to 1. 1 will not love (1). 1 and (1) are friends, dear. (1) will be friend to 1. friend will be lover.
love constrained, red star, will grow supernova. (1) longing for 1; 1 desiring (1). love nurtured beyond physical bounds. spirits intertwined, bodies removed. metaphysical communion.
sensual purity. lovers undesirous of imaginary climax, chaste. lovers restrained to fantasies about fantasizing about a hypoplatonic instant. and their love, oh! their love. more intense than many so called, many physically rooted: all?
i (1) consumed, grow
our love grows
unspoken, as it must
2.21.2007
snap
i disavow.
relinquish now.
outside disturbance,
mental perturbance.
joy, fear...
...end near?
live life?
end strife?
relinquish now.
outside disturbance,
mental perturbance.
joy, fear...
...end near?
live life?
end strife?
2.07.2007
1.23.2007
Reena
You keep me comin' home again
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone,
I met a friend
She taught me how to
Live in the end
Are her eyes
Brown or blue?
How does she keep her
Static cool
My heart and soul
Are rocked up in her eyes
A little blink I recognize
A little blink, yea, that's my prize
A white horse
Sittin right there by her side
Hard to ignore
Hard to disguise
She'll never ever
Realize...
You keep me comin' home again
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone
I was out of my mind
I had a friend who laughed all the time
I had a friend who cried all the time
I had a friend who screamed all the time
I had a friend who lied all the time
i hear my struggle in this Sonic Youth song
regardless of other interpretations or references
i sit for hours, listen to this song again, again, again...
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone,
I met a friend
She taught me how to
Live in the end
Are her eyes
Brown or blue?
How does she keep her
Static cool
My heart and soul
Are rocked up in her eyes
A little blink I recognize
A little blink, yea, that's my prize
A white horse
Sittin right there by her side
Hard to ignore
Hard to disguise
She'll never ever
Realize...
You keep me comin' home again
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone
I was out of my mind
I had a friend who laughed all the time
I had a friend who cried all the time
I had a friend who screamed all the time
I had a friend who lied all the time
i hear my struggle in this Sonic Youth song
regardless of other interpretations or references
i sit for hours, listen to this song again, again, again...
synaesthesia
¿do you experience sensations normally sensed separately, coupled together?
¿colors when you hear or read words?
¿tastes, smells, shapes or touches in almost any combination?
¿numbers, days, months as personalities?
¿numbers, months, days as locations in space?
¿colors when you hear or read words?
¿tastes, smells, shapes or touches in almost any combination?
¿numbers, days, months as personalities?
¿numbers, months, days as locations in space?
1.21.2007
terms
i...
...cowered, did not “come out of the darkness” as Dream says.
...saw you post comments, did not respond.
...was mixed, did not break out.
...surprisingly believe no major damage resulted.
...thankfully report meds prevented a more violent mix.
...consider mixed to be detestable.
...appear to be more than bipolar II.
...may be further diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder.
...should extend my medical cocktail accordingly.
...am back, i believe; this time anyway.
...thank you for not forgetting.
...cowered, did not “come out of the darkness” as Dream says.
...saw you post comments, did not respond.
...was mixed, did not break out.
...surprisingly believe no major damage resulted.
...thankfully report meds prevented a more violent mix.
...consider mixed to be detestable.
...appear to be more than bipolar II.
...may be further diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder.
...should extend my medical cocktail accordingly.
...am back, i believe; this time anyway.
...thank you for not forgetting.
1.14.2007
¡¡¡ t h a t d o e s i t !!!
i hate shopping for groceries on sunday i hate shopping for groceries period despised ritual that only makes me see the worst rather than perceive society with neutrality i cannot help but see aisles and rows full of consumer goods foodstuff beyond the reach of so many the neutral perspective it should have witness this series of events in which i attempt to make my way in and out of this odious gathering place as quickly as possible for which purpose exist express check out clearly marked with the maximum number of items allowed per line unfortunately in my state of mind a reeling down a spiraling up altogether at once not one after the other mind you altogether and i am conscious of this and my meds just keeping from sinking or taking off but i did not need this i did not need this little excursion to the land of foodstuff and its unnecessarily prolonged end for ahead of me unnoticed until it was too late was a seemingly well dressed couple with a shopping cart overflowing with goods i double take i look again thrice still calm outwardly but temperature rising and of course they know they know they are complete insensitive unabashed anal orifices so they cautiously avoid eye contact with myself immediately behind them in the check out line and then two others behind me and i look away for i do not want to be the angry bee o t c h i feel like being and i believe i do a good job avoid all negative body language remaining neutral not crossing my arms not clicking my tongue or tapping my foot or finger this will all pass after all and become yet another example in which someone bipolar displays better behavior than the so called norm alright it will end but wait no not yet for the female imbecile questions a price notices there is a discrepancy that the cashier has to call in additional minutes pass i remain calm the person behind me leaves and i want to lash out i want to lambaste these two the way they deserve in a way no one else would hold against me but becoming the center of the tumult will not forward any cause minutes elapse and i finally am allowed to reach the cashier who apologizes even though she was not responsible what can you expect from a minimum wage earner to stand up to paying customers that simply based on appearance would gain the sympathy of the manager on duty with a minor admonishment likely limited to a glare and a please do not do that again i pay i walk out my mobile rings a request for an additional series of items coming from the source i cannot but yield i will do anything for the source of that voice so i direct myself to the deli section and wait as i had done before and of course being sunday is packed not just by meats but meatheads suddenly i hear a synthesized voice call for the next number a sound foreign to me in this setting oh it appears they installed a take a next number machine and i missed it and must wait longer yet finally leave the dreaded acreage thanking everybody for their contribution to my incipient headache driving still calm these meds still dulling the edge i get home and the embrace warmth of touch just does it i made it again
cretinism, and defectiveness: an edited synapse*
as i read Charlotte Brontë's Villette, i came across the term cretin applied to a school girl of limited capacity. my image of the girl was tainted by the derogatory connotation of the term has in this, our generation. in Brontë's generation, "cretin" was a medical term, neutral.
perhaps "society caring, unquestioning, educated," would complete the synapse, for i believe society's education does not extend beyond the first definition of de.fec.tive due to_________(insert reason).
with such etymology as Marlena presents, defective becomes a mark of distinction, one i will proudly wear...forward. for now i shall savor my d e f e c t i v e n e s s secretly.
*Blogger d i s-functionality at the time of posting, caused the original version to disappear into electronic neverland. i present this synapse in edited form.
perhaps "society caring, unquestioning, educated," would complete the synapse, for i believe society's education does not extend beyond the first definition of de.fec.tive due to_________(insert reason).
with such etymology as Marlena presents, defective becomes a mark of distinction, one i will proudly wear...forward. for now i shall savor my d e f e c t i v e n e s s secretly.
*Blogger d i s-functionality at the time of posting, caused the original version to disappear into electronic neverland. i present this synapse in edited form.
1.13.2007
mirror-worthy?
... i just h a d to mirror my comment to rabbit's de.fec.tive ...
"gospels," DSM-IV, people flawed
women: assimilate these "gospels." society, learn mental illness.
generation.
rosie the riveter demise; june cleaver arise. mental illness, whispered.
generations.
the suffragist movement. mental asylums.
generationss.
chastity belts. mental illness=demonic possession.
generationsss.
women, breeders; mental illness cure? "natural selection."
generationssss.
forward
...women, unburdened, ungospeled, equal; society caring, unquestioning--after all, "most people are flawed in some way," indeed.
we hurts, yes. defective, we are not.
"gospels," DSM-IV, people flawed
women: assimilate these "gospels." society, learn mental illness.
generation.
rosie the riveter demise; june cleaver arise. mental illness, whispered.
generations.
the suffragist movement. mental asylums.
generationss.
chastity belts. mental illness=demonic possession.
generationsss.
women, breeders; mental illness cure? "natural selection."
generationssss.
forward
...women, unburdened, ungospeled, equal; society caring, unquestioning--after all, "most people are flawed in some way," indeed.
we hurts, yes. defective, we are not.
1.12.2007
monitor
-_-_-_-_-_-Heartbeat
--__--__--__--__--__--A reply to your ping
---___---___---___---___---___---Target machine
----____----____----____----____----____----Reply unseen
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.Server timeout.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
--__--__--__--__--__--A reply to your ping
---___---___---___---___---___---Target machine
----____----____----____----____----____----Reply unseen
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.Server timeout.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
1.10.2007
racing
strange day,strange disposition.punch my fist repeatedly on the counter as i wait for my calories to arrive.embrace the pain as it increases in direct proportion to my strength.
i sought the zone,the peloton--me the breakaway rider,first leading the pack,speeding around a rain-sheened curve,falling,dropping behind,the peloton within sight,reach,but i not in.
insight into how close i am to the end of this tour.
i sought the zone,the peloton--me the breakaway rider,first leading the pack,speeding around a rain-sheened curve,falling,dropping behind,the peloton within sight,reach,but i not in.
insight into how close i am to the end of this tour.
1.07.2007
scarcely holding grip
obtuse Freudian slip: scarcely phonetically begins with scare. i may be. crags indeed, about which i posted yesterday. today, i am rock-climbing these crags, scarcely holding grip.
why am i climbing? (traditional off-the-cuff answer: "because it is there") there is really nothing up there that i want--not this time. i have sensed this 5.1b ascent for a week now. delayed reaction to my revelation?
my fingers grip basalt, which cuts me, does not draw blood, but makes me lash out in anger--controlled by my meds (on belay), and knowledge gained through many PDOC sessions (focus).
am i competing with you, spectator? supporter? am i at an unknown Patagonia mountain face, just me and my belayer? let it be the former...
why am i climbing? (traditional off-the-cuff answer: "because it is there") there is really nothing up there that i want--not this time. i have sensed this 5.1b ascent for a week now. delayed reaction to my revelation?
my fingers grip basalt, which cuts me, does not draw blood, but makes me lash out in anger--controlled by my meds (on belay), and knowledge gained through many PDOC sessions (focus).
am i competing with you, spectator? supporter? am i at an unknown Patagonia mountain face, just me and my belayer? let it be the former...
1.06.2007
Currer Bell
how can one stop, turn eye away from words burning, passages engaging, chapters drawing.
my desire, a swift Santa Ana, blows away ashes, and exposes the clinker with which Currer Bell née Brontë, dearest Charlotte Brontë, reignites passion.
Villette, misunderstood by many accounts, resonates. intelligenlty ironic; catholically cynical. phenomenally feminist.
p. 241...many more to come.
my desire, a swift Santa Ana, blows away ashes, and exposes the clinker with which Currer Bell née Brontë, dearest Charlotte Brontë, reignites passion.
Villette, misunderstood by many accounts, resonates. intelligenlty ironic; catholically cynical. phenomenally feminist.
p. 241...many more to come.
grietas, crags
...last few days...i...semblance of normality...returned back...standard pace, cycle of life.
mental activity...thoughts, actions: juxtaposition. volcano caldera rise under magma pressure _______ glacier speed increase affected by global warming _______ mercury drop from 29.92" Hg. influenced by atmospheric depression.
i sense calm casting a veil of muslin over a gasoline fire, smothering it with great difficulty.
i see this body, this church, its nave succumbing, mortar unrefined sugar.
i have held steady thus far. i must hold steady. i know what underlies...
mental activity...thoughts, actions: juxtaposition. volcano caldera rise under magma pressure _______ glacier speed increase affected by global warming _______ mercury drop from 29.92" Hg. influenced by atmospheric depression.
i sense calm casting a veil of muslin over a gasoline fire, smothering it with great difficulty.
i see this body, this church, its nave succumbing, mortar unrefined sugar.
i have held steady thus far. i must hold steady. i know what underlies...
1.02.2007
revelation
"days go; a year as well," i found myself musing barefoot by a bonfire holding a flute brimming with ace. warmth unseasonal, enveloped. warmth of heart, dissolved. "you know about my mother, mi madre, ¿si?" she, the one who birthed me, nurtured me, loved me...loved me...loved me...
i saw her. she saw me. she tested my wits. she tried my nerves.
she has been told. she does not acknowledge. it is too late for her because she wants it to be so.
it is not late for me. i prevailed. i was not drawn into her maelstrøm.
i thought of her as a person with an illness. i treated her as a person with an illness.
"why should i question what you say, mother?" "why should i express an opinion if i know it will antagonize you, mother?" "why should i trouble myself understanding your frame of reference, mother?" i cannot, simply cannot.
a choice made. a decision rewarded. my sanity over hers.
i saw her. she saw me. she tested my wits. she tried my nerves.
she has been told. she does not acknowledge. it is too late for her because she wants it to be so.
it is not late for me. i prevailed. i was not drawn into her maelstrøm.
i thought of her as a person with an illness. i treated her as a person with an illness.
"why should i question what you say, mother?" "why should i express an opinion if i know it will antagonize you, mother?" "why should i trouble myself understanding your frame of reference, mother?" i cannot, simply cannot.
a choice made. a decision rewarded. my sanity over hers.
Physical
Hunger is life.
Perception, arise.
Feeling alive, hunger for more.
Hunger for life.
Hunger life.
Perception arise, alive to the core.
Hunger for life.
Life is hunger.
Hunger is life.
Perception, arise.
Feeling alive, hunger for more.
Hunger for life.
Hunger life.
Perception arise, alive to the core.
Hunger for life.
Life is hunger.
Hunger is life.
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