how far - how fast - how soon

MDOC invited me during our last session to return sooner rather than later: invite me!

i was the one doing the inviting up to this time! or was i? i giggled when she said this. sagaciously, she asked, “and, how does that make you feel?”? i said "i find it amusing, simply.” later, i overheard her instructions to the receptionist: being booked, she actually created an appointment time just for me. how does that make me feel?

it is good, i hear, read. everyone says: physical fitness is good.

what should i learn? to turn my eyes away from my park? my trail? i push. deprivation, self control, stoicism. it is good. is it enough? can i push myself beyond the pain? can i outrun the pain? when will it not be? when will i push to see how far i can push...driving? drinking...? i push at what i enjoy pushing. when will i push at what i do not?

i think of death, not suicide. fine line? i think so.

i close the garage door, and i think how long can i run the car before the CO overwhelms me? i think of the sensory reaction to death, the smell as you die, maybe metallic like dried blood, the sound of your last breath, amplified like a train entering a tunnel.

i listen to music. my reaction? outside the norm.

the solution? what is the solution? never to listen to music? learn to recognize when music drops me over the abyss of lows, flings me into the pit of the mixed, or shoots me into an ionospheric high? is this reasonable? is this life?