Reena

You keep me comin' home again
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone,
I met a friend

She taught me how to
Live in the end
Are her eyes
Brown or blue?

How does she keep her
Static cool
My heart and soul
Are rocked up in her eyes
A little blink I recognize
A little blink, yea, that's my prize

A white horse
Sittin right there by her side
Hard to ignore
Hard to disguise
She'll never ever
Realize...

You keep me comin' home again
You keep me comin' home again
When you were gone
I was out of my mind

I had a friend who laughed all the time
I had a friend who cried all the time
I had a friend who screamed all the time
I had a friend who lied all the time

i hear my struggle in this Sonic Youth song

regardless of other interpretations or references

i sit for hours, listen to this song again, again, again...

synaesthesia

¿do you experience sensations normally sensed separately, coupled together?

¿colors when you hear or read words?
¿tastes, smells, shapes or touches in almost any combination?
¿numbers, days, months as personalities?
¿numbers, months, days as locations in space?

terms

i...

...cowered, did not “come out of the darkness” as Dream says.

...saw you post comments, did not respond.

...was mixed, did not break out.

...surprisingly believe no major damage resulted.

...thankfully report meds prevented a more violent mix.

...consider mixed to be detestable.

...appear to be more than bipolar II.

...may be further diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder.

...should extend my medical cocktail accordingly.

...am back, i believe; this time anyway.

...thank you for not forgetting.

¡¡¡ t h a t d o e s i t !!!

i hate shopping for groceries on sunday i hate shopping for groceries period despised ritual that only makes me see the worst rather than perceive society with neutrality i cannot help but see aisles and rows full of consumer goods foodstuff beyond the reach of so many the neutral perspective it should have witness this series of events in which i attempt to make my way in and out of this odious gathering place as quickly as possible for which purpose exist express check out clearly marked with the maximum number of items allowed per line unfortunately in my state of mind a reeling down a spiraling up altogether at once not one after the other mind you altogether and i am conscious of this and my meds just keeping from sinking or taking off but i did not need this i did not need this little excursion to the land of foodstuff and its unnecessarily prolonged end for ahead of me unnoticed until it was too late was a seemingly well dressed couple with a shopping cart overflowing with goods i double take i look again thrice still calm outwardly but temperature rising and of course they know they know they are complete insensitive unabashed anal orifices so they cautiously avoid eye contact with myself immediately behind them in the check out line and then two others behind me and i look away for i do not want to be the angry    bee o t c h    i feel like being and i believe i do a good job avoid all negative body language remaining neutral not crossing my arms not clicking my tongue or tapping my foot or finger this will all pass after all and become yet another example in which someone bipolar displays better behavior than the so called norm alright it will end but wait no not yet for the female imbecile questions a price notices there is a discrepancy that the cashier has to call in additional minutes pass i remain calm the person behind me leaves and i want to lash out i want to lambaste these two the way they deserve in a way no one else would hold against me but becoming the center of the tumult will not forward any cause minutes elapse and i finally am allowed to reach the cashier who apologizes even though she was not responsible what can you expect from a minimum wage earner to stand up to paying customers that simply based on appearance would gain the sympathy of the manager on duty with a minor admonishment likely limited to a glare and a please do not do that again i pay i walk out my mobile rings a request for an additional series of items coming from the source i cannot but yield i will do anything for the source of that voice so i direct myself to the deli section and wait as i had done before and of course being sunday is packed not just by meats but meatheads suddenly i hear a synthesized voice call for the next number a sound foreign to me in this setting oh it appears they installed a take a next number machine and i missed it and must wait longer yet finally leave the dreaded acreage thanking everybody for their contribution to my incipient headache driving still calm these meds still dulling the edge i get home and the embrace warmth of touch just does it i made it again

cretinism, and defectiveness: an edited synapse*

as i read Charlotte Brontë's Villette, i came across the term cretin applied to a school girl of limited capacity. my image of the girl was tainted by the derogatory connotation of the term has in this, our generation. in Brontë's generation, "cretin" was a medical term, neutral.

perhaps "society caring, unquestioning, educated," would complete the synapse, for i believe society's education does not extend beyond the first definition of de.fec.tive due to_________(insert reason).

with such etymology as Marlena presents, defective becomes a mark of distinction, one i will proudly wear...forward. for now i shall savor my   d e f e c t i v e n e s s   secretly.

*Blogger d i s-functionality at the time of posting, caused the original version to disappear into electronic neverland. i present this synapse in edited form.

mirror-worthy?

... i just h a d to mirror my comment to rabbit's de.fec.tive ...

"gospels," DSM-IV, people flawed

women: assimilate these "gospels." society, learn mental illness.

generation.

rosie the riveter demise; june cleaver arise. mental illness, whispered.

generations.

the suffragist movement. mental asylums.

generationss.

chastity belts. mental illness=demonic possession.

generationsss.

women, breeders; mental illness cure? "natural selection."

generationssss.

forward

...women, unburdened, ungospeled, equal; society caring, unquestioning--after all, "most people are flawed in some way," indeed.

we hurts, yes. defective, we are not.

monitor

-_-_-_-_-_-Heartbeat
--__--__--__--__--__--A reply to your ping
---___---___---___---___---___---Target machine
----____----____----____----____----____----Reply unseen

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.Server timeout.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

racing

strange day,strange disposition.punch my fist repeatedly on the counter as i wait for my calories to arrive.embrace the pain as it increases in direct proportion to my strength.



i sought the zone,the peloton--me the breakaway rider,first leading the pack,speeding around a rain-sheened curve,falling,dropping behind,the peloton within sight,reach,but i not in.



insight into how close i am to the end of this tour.

scarcely holding grip

obtuse Freudian slip: scarcely phonetically begins with scare. i may be. crags indeed, about which i posted yesterday. today, i am rock-climbing these crags, scarcely holding grip.

why am i climbing? (traditional off-the-cuff answer: "because it is there") there is really nothing up there that i want--not this time. i have sensed this 5.1b ascent for a week now. delayed reaction to my revelation?

my fingers grip basalt, which cuts me, does not draw blood, but makes me lash out in anger--controlled by my meds (on belay), and knowledge gained through many PDOC sessions (focus).

am i competing with you, spectator? supporter? am i at an unknown Patagonia mountain face, just me and my belayer? let it be the former...

Currer Bell

how can one stop, turn eye away from words burning, passages engaging, chapters drawing.

my desire, a swift Santa Ana, blows away ashes, and exposes the clinker with which Currer Bell née Brontë, dearest Charlotte Brontë, reignites passion.

Villette, misunderstood by many accounts, resonates. intelligenlty ironic; catholically cynical. phenomenally feminist.

p. 241...many more to come.

grietas, crags

...last few days...i...semblance of normality...returned back...standard pace, cycle of life.

mental activity...thoughts, actions: juxtaposition. volcano caldera rise under magma pressure _______ glacier speed increase affected by global warming _______ mercury drop from 29.92" Hg. influenced by atmospheric depression.

i sense calm casting a veil of muslin over a gasoline fire, smothering it with great difficulty.

i see this body, this church, its nave succumbing, mortar unrefined sugar.

i have held steady thus far. i must hold steady. i know what underlies...

revelation

"days go; a year as well," i found myself musing barefoot by a bonfire holding a flute brimming with ace. warmth unseasonal, enveloped. warmth of heart, dissolved. "you know about my mother, mi madre, ¿si?" she, the one who birthed me, nurtured me, loved me...loved me...loved me...

i saw her. she saw me. she tested my wits. she tried my nerves.
she has been told. she does not acknowledge. it is too late for her because she wants it to be so.

it is not late for me. i prevailed. i was not drawn into her maelstrøm.
i thought of her as a person with an illness. i treated her as a person with an illness.

"why should i question what you say, mother?" "why should i express an opinion if i know it will antagonize you, mother?" "why should i trouble myself understanding your frame of reference, mother?" i cannot, simply cannot.

a choice made. a decision rewarded. my sanity over hers.

Physical

Hunger is life.
Perception, arise.
Feeling alive, hunger for more.

Hunger for life.
Hunger life.
Perception arise, alive to the core.

Hunger for life.
Life is hunger.
Hunger is life.