drunk

we all know, but we shall not give a crap. it is the way. it has worked before, and it will work now: we shall tell all, but ignore as well.

it has worked. it will work now…who the blast cares? do you think it is pity i seek? you have to be wrong; i hope you are wrong. pity? how about giving a crap? pathetic. i do not. nor should you, for that is not it, in the least.

¡¡¡¡¡ for piss’ sake, abre los putos ojos, coño!!!!! ¡¡¡¡qué parida, hostia!!!! ¡¡¡piensa!!! ¡¡la verdad, es lo que es!! ¡ignorancia no es la solución, hostia!

pero, si a ti no te importa, a mí tampoco. la ignorancia es reciproca. y si no te gusta esta situación, apáñatelas como quieras, porque ya me las apaño yo. y si os creéis que esto es sobre algo específico, que ignorantes sois.

you do not care; i wonder if you even care about appearances, you just do not care.

gatorade it is not. gatorade you could care less if it was or not.

sympathy. sympathy. you could care less. you could not care less. you could not understand any less. you could not ignore any less. if quiet i would have remained, quiet would you have stayed? ignorant, you would have remained.

it is acceptable to have problems it is acceptable to ignore, even if it will not go away, even if it will just linger.

hey everybody has problems, why shouldn't you?

v1.0 filaments of keratin

one

happily, consciousness loosing.
externally, mind buzzing.
distantly, sound, retreating.
deeply, brainwaves affecting.

gently, tugging beginning.
fleetingly, weight retreating.
physically, down rolling.
soundlessly, slough falling.

regretfully, prattle encouraging.
unpleasantly, words flowing.
quietly, silence wishing.
unfortunately, you denying.

forcefully, time joining.
passively, peace demanding.
mechanically, you, performing,
biologically, i, needing.


two

respite.
a day in perspective.

brain waves—alpha,
on the rise, theta.

again you attempt to deny,
gregariousness, misplaced, i decry.

the stupor, the drone, the purple-blue lights.
lights that burn, disinfect, and detect if you lie.

stops abrupt, as a word you put,
i return, not of want but, of choice that you took.


three

finally i must

depart all this dust

the unlikely sounds

that relaxed my frown

to the point that my smile

misunderstood for a while

made you no longer shy

and my feelings die

like Buddha i was

enlightenment my task

like iron i wrought

trouble all that it brought

v2.0 like, hair, you know?

"…so, like, you know, Mrs.-stylist-or-whatever, I pay you to do my hair, and not, like, to bore me." so, like, I did not, like, really tell her, as-if! but she, like, kept going on and on, like she could not stop, like she had taken an oral laxative or something? And, like, my day to-ta-lly sucked, and all, and all I want to do is, like, relax, and like have her do me? …oh-my-gosh, did I, like, just say that? Do me? Eeewww! No, no, no…she is "doing my "do," doing my "do!"" oh-my-gosh: gross! Whatever…
So, like, my eyes, like, close, and it feels like I'm totally floating or something, and the hair just, like, falls, and all, and its weird 'cos, like, I feel it falling, and, like, I'm thinking, like, "if I was standing on one of those scale thingies, would I, like, weigh less, or something?" Whatever…
Anywho, she just keeps going on and on and, like, keeps totally talking my ear off, like when you call my cell, and, like, we talk, but, like, that is, like, totally different, and I swear, I'm, like, oh-my-gosh, like, "you don't get the clue?" "Hel-lo-o-o; is there anyone, like, in there?"
So, like, the tanning-booth-fan-thingies, or whatever, the ones that keep you cool and all, but you, like, sweat like the football team practicing, like, they are sooo to-ta-lly hot anyway, but, like, they are to-ta-lly gross later...anywho...and don't the lights, like, burn you with..."you-be," "ultera-v," "ulter-vio"...whatever, and, like, don't they, like, kill cooties or something, and, like, my nerd brother says they, like, show your drool on your pillow, and, like, totally—eeewww—stuff, like, oh-my-gosh, so-gross...
Well, like, they turn the fan-thingies off, 'cos some chick is, like, done, and, I swear, I'm relaxing, 'cos the noise they make is, like, dreamy, or something, so, like, I'm, like, "this is tooo much," and fi-na-lly, I'm, like, done, but a total bitch, 'cos I could not snooze and all… and, I'm, like, 'if she just shut-UP"...what-ever...

Lithium

occasionally, i post lyrics on the possibility that songs, artists, unknown, may soothe...

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go. Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium,...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.

Evanescence

i live in the place you live

i hide it, well enough, i think. others have told me that i am “cranky” lately. i tell them this is not the case (i honestly do not feel hypomanic…). internalized, it all builds up however, and these words become the pressure-release valve that prevents my boiler-brain from bursting.

the boiler though, subjected to constant cycling, is starting to deteriorate, metal-fatigue, stress-crack. i am afraid it is time to decide whether to:

a. overhaul this major assembly, closely following the (hopefully) non-destructive inspection procedures, and installing additional pressure-release valves to comply with emergency safety directives.

b. continue to operate the boiler to terminal failure.

i have spoken of death before

afraid of the future, i march, stalwart, to face this fear. i think of the futility of existence, but remain curious about the trials ahead.

Others keep me wanting to know how the novel ends. events capture my fancy: what lies around the corner? imagination feeds conjectures about where the road ends.

must not jump to the last chapter, should not peek around the corner, not take the shortcut to the end of the road. how much i will regret, so greatly i will yearn, fathom the shortcut being the wrong one.

act two: so plain to see, so easy to ignore

we have become conditioned to ignore

ignorance is bliss

a blissful existence is addictive

addiction is hell to break

hell is to vomit shiver convulse yourself back to reality

act three: lacrimous eyes, internal distress

i do not judge towering from a bench, or preach, lofty, from a pulpit.

i spew my mind onto salt-cracked asphalt,

retch thoughts on sidewalk-concrete,

heave feelings into binary waste.

my mind: runoff, traversing Internet sewers.

wild green onions

again, i had to. run. madly. impulsively. got to park. change. pee (not, tmi (1) there is a reason why i tell). ipod on. dj mazi: appropriate. trail head, smell of wild green onions. pungent, evoking, fresh, grassy. begin. slow. energy low. may have over trained last two weeks. maybe its soy milk+decaf+pumpkin seeds+pear+grapefruit (500 kcal (2))…maybe its 3.5 hours of sleep…maybe both? but, speed i do, post-warm-up.

mouth parched, gum notwithstanding. breath…could it be that my extra-long taste is…wild green onions? run, now downhill. pick up speed (why not?). no need to pace. mud desiccated. unfortunate. some wet; not enough in quantity/quality. must do cross-check: hr (3) 178 bpm (4), steady. slight pain: cramp onset. endurable. persevere. sore. will wild green onion liniment help?

run 60% complete. "urge." "urge," without basis: i peed already (i did say this was not tmi). what in hell?! not first time this happens. cringe. again? imaginary, interesting, prognosis: early onset incontinence. “well, txandi, there is nothing i can do for you. your symptoms are temporal, causal. they do not warrant medication. furthermore, do you want to add imipramine (if you can believe this, a tricyclic antidepressant to stop you from peeing?) to your daily non-rda (5) supplements, do you?" "you should look into something less….medical: wild green onion incontinence protective undergarments…"the brand that never stops...absorbing (tm).""

wild green onions. interesting fixation. permanent olfactory imprint, akin a pup to its bitch? am i destined to associate the smell of wild green onions to…the "urge?"

stats (6): 2 miles. 14 minutes, 45 seconds. heart rate: 178 bpm average, 185 maximum (generic rule of thumb: 220-age=maximum bpm).

(1) too much information

(2) kilocalories

(3) heart rate

(4) beats per minute

(5) recommended daily allowance

(6) statistics

souls broken

¿are we broken? browning petals off budding roses.

¿are we souls? mindless folly, bound to lore.

¿are we broken souls? retched lives, destined to hope.

how far - how fast - how soon

MDOC invited me during our last session to return sooner rather than later: invite me!

i was the one doing the inviting up to this time! or was i? i giggled when she said this. sagaciously, she asked, “and, how does that make you feel?”? i said "i find it amusing, simply.” later, i overheard her instructions to the receptionist: being booked, she actually created an appointment time just for me. how does that make me feel?

it is good, i hear, read. everyone says: physical fitness is good.

what should i learn? to turn my eyes away from my park? my trail? i push. deprivation, self control, stoicism. it is good. is it enough? can i push myself beyond the pain? can i outrun the pain? when will it not be? when will i push to see how far i can push...driving? drinking...? i push at what i enjoy pushing. when will i push at what i do not?

i think of death, not suicide. fine line? i think so.

i close the garage door, and i think how long can i run the car before the CO overwhelms me? i think of the sensory reaction to death, the smell as you die, maybe metallic like dried blood, the sound of your last breath, amplified like a train entering a tunnel.

i listen to music. my reaction? outside the norm.

the solution? what is the solution? never to listen to music? learn to recognize when music drops me over the abyss of lows, flings me into the pit of the mixed, or shoots me into an ionospheric high? is this reasonable? is this life?

why does it haunt me?

it scares me, what i know. i do not want to scare you. even in relative anonymity, i hesitate to open the door completely...

...let the deceiving (bitter)sweetness of my benzene memories be replaced by inert gas, odorless mixture...

N2O2

...let the fetid stench of my hydrogen-sulfide-thoughts be displaced by less pestilent matter in gaseous state...

CO?

...let the mycotoxin-laden-shreds of my feelings be neutralized, a final solution implemented...

zyklon b?

belonging, i did not ask for this, and the black cat

bipolar without question, i question belonging.
is this the appropriate context? am in the right setting?

you post about your life. i post my puzzling thoughts.
you share valuable information, i obfuscate reality (disinformation as survival instinct?)

you write matter-offactly, conversationally. my words fight each other for form, jockey for function.

you write in english, i write in tongues.

i desire to post plainly, but technical terms, obscure metaphors, incomprehensible similes, unintelligible txandiisms...

two minutes and thirty three seconds in my psyche, follow. pay particular attention to the devolvement of thought. refer to the comments for additional insight

gato es negro. (so i lived in España, that is why i know...)
le chat est noir. (this, i just know, do not know how...)
die katze ist schwarz. (i lived in Deutschland too...i still get der-die-das confused, though)
black as night, the cat is. ( o - k - a - y )
the cat, its shadow, one. (this is taking a life of its own)
the feline's pigmentation, obscure as its demeanor. ("whatever you say, dear")
vortex of night, total eclipse, projections onto the cat's fur. (total left field)

why can i not simply write simply?

do i help? does this help? do i need help? do I belong?

the contrary virtues: abstinence and i

abstinence, i do not practice: it happens;
it is not abstinence, as much as it is hunger.
interesting state, bearable, but gnawing, trying, yet unintended.
it is here, it is now. it chews and subdues.
i should eat. i have food. i would disturb, intrude.
i reflect in this cavitating stupor; i relax in this emptiness.

today i subsisted on 700 kilocalories, of which 279, i expended during my midday retreat.
i feel myself full of life, while on the verge of loosing consciousness.
i sense freedom of thought and movement.
i experience the pain of my brain under hypoglycemic stress.
i become aware of thresholds; i learn of artificial limits.

it feels good. why change what feels good?
i am warding off gluttony. i am virtuous.
deadly sin, gluttony, i vanquish thee.
i save myself, i redeem myself.
from what? irrelevant.

Psychomachia; the contrary virtues

the origin of the contrary virtues can be traced to a poem by Latin poet Prudentius.

contrary virtues allegedly stave off the Seven Deadly Sins:

humility counters pride

kindness counters envy

abstinence counters gluttony

chastity counters lust

patience counters anger

liberality counters greed

diligence counters sloth