Requiem

Time numbs the memory, a loss of fidelity of synaptic analog recordings: the essence of the memory is there, but its intensity, clarity, range blend with the hiss of the tape passing over the read/write head. Add to this the surges-in-electrical-current-on-an-unprotected-IC-spiking-pops-onto-the-magnetic-media-through-the-write-circuit the bipolar brain causes, and...

two hours and 20 minutes

the drive. the why. the fortune of sound. absence of else. rain, it did not stop. the day (morning?) before, up until three. the rain did not stop. low clouds. splatter on the windshield, droning, and in the dark, later that night, refracting any light, breaking it down into 32 bit color depth. yet with my 16MB-video-card-memory state of mind, making it hard to see, think. worry. worry for safety--why not: today is not t h e day. blurry. blurring. my mind, my vision, my perspective, my feelings.

the fortune of sound. the absence of else. softer than usual. it seemed appropriate. softer in level, harder impact. i lie: it always hits hard. impact. bass. consciousness lost. consciousness at the edge. battery. hocico. amduscia. blutengel. so many, so different. so, not what i remember. the days of love spirals downwards, calva y nada, coil, sisters of mercy. evolved. like i.

Equanimity

I feel so alive, but at the same time so vulnerable and maybe dead. I feel the loss of energy, the descent into demise--or what could be so. Yet I feel. The depth of the feeling, the awareness of self. Full, complete. Anything is possible here. Supernatural feats that defy imagination, not yet accomplished, not yet imagined. I do not know, for they are not imagined. I just know that I feel.
Hunger. Awareness. Body. Perception. Push. Challenge. Towards the unknown. I can now do more than I could before. In some respects, I feel better than I did before. Hunger the drive. Hunger that drives. The drive of hunger. A physical sensation. Energy saps, you feel, unmistakable feeling. No confusion whatever. Low blood sugar headache, brain trying to do its best to do its job. Energy drain. Motion reduced. Awareness. Consciousness.

Feats of incredible force, expenditure of incredible resources not supported by equal intake. One fourth driving one whole. Three hundred in 1500 hundred out. And the awareness, the know. The drive. Pushing toward that unknown. Eyes closed, balance in test, feats not easily accomplished. Eyes closed, world shut out. Nothing beyond. No noise, isolation. Beats pumping, ears drumming. And stalwart I proceed, unaware of outside, aware of inside. I do not question, I savor. I know.

This is not The Zone. I know what that is not knowing it fully. I have skirted it, toyed with it, briefly entered it. There is nothing like it. Fleeting for me; maybe less so some day. No. This is not The Zone. I linger here. I elate here, but not like there. I like it there like I like it here. I cannot compare, why should I dare? The Zone is one, this is two. Perhaps this is one, and the Zone is two. In any event, I enlighten. I relish. I feel. I live.

Sanctum @ 160 BPM

Not at peak, yet bliss nonetheless.

Felicity through deprivation.

Depravity. I crouch and reflect, two river-smoothed pebbles circling in my hand, like Bogart in the Caine. Sunset.

No soy dramaturga

Inner peace. Exaltation. Outer peace. Exultation. I walk through the streets eyes closed, mind clear. I arrive. Must open them after a while. Do not want. Do not feel. Somethings must be real. 20 hours, 1000 words. Was it worth it? Who is to tell. Push. Tire. Enjoy the fire. Is this the shadow? Is this the water? Truly focused. Must be trouble. Storm-a-brewin'? Nothing doing. For now, savor; it’s a favor. For now ride; no need to hide. Feel. Real.

Torquemada y más

Torquemada: Inquisitor General, Spanish Inquisition. "The hammer of heretics, the light of España, the savior of his country, the honor of his order."

Swing, dramatic. Physical, unreal. Mental, I lost track. Setenta minutos on a stationary bike with 165 average heart rate and peaks of 190. All that on 1000 kcal. hypofisicalmanic? hipo physical mania? mania hipofisica? hipomania fisica? physical hypomania? mania hipo fisica?