why would you think my post implied abuse? was my subconscious speaking for me? i cannot recall, but if i could would i want to? if i would want to, could i? why can i almost recall something, but not wholly?
why does there appear to be a blank where i want to find a memory? from where does this mistrust to catholic priest come? why was this last question so difficult to pose? why does the thought revolt me? why this guttural reaction, so overpowering, so wretchedly sickening?
did you know i was reared catholic? did you know i went to catholic school? did you know what i do not remember i remember happening during school? was the obvious to you, not apparent to me? what am i supposed to do now? are my woes not enough?
did you help me by revealing the obvious? did you do a disservice by revealing the obscure?
3 comments:
like your label said, its a feeling within.. the memory gets bloated everytime we want to recall it. and memory in itself is a strange thing, a special kind - it exaggerates and eliminates.
to belive in a priest is at the core, to believe in a human. to pose that question might have been difficult because we live in a system that follows conventions and the conventions is not to question what is accepted. when you do, they call you a hermetic, or an atheist or even a snob. In my case i was labelled a cynic.
the tinge of an abuse crossed my mind because i related certain words to that phenomenon. I saw those words in the post and thought you could have meant that. what it taught me later on was that words can have different meaning and could represent different categories. You and I are distinct and we find meanings in words that are also distinct - you call it the meaning of meaning
i came across your blog through the comment you posted on the problem of pain. i thought they were interesting, i wanted to check you out. i'm also bipolar, diagnosed a couple years ago. i like your site, it's cool, it's deep, it makes me think. i like your music, it reminds me of when i was in college and played a lot of those bands on the college radio station. my show was called hyper at the gates of dawn and it woke people UP. anyway, now i'm a mom working at a university and living in a house in the suburbs, surviving.
take care, txandi, i'll drop by again.
Polarimbi,
you are gracious and kind-hearted. your well-meaning words made my estrangement flutter away...for a moment.
i wonder at times if my thoughts, my posts are misguided for this ring. other factors are at play to reach this conclusion; i will not dwell on them right now.
i was thrilled to learn about your spinning days. the music i list--and still listen, the references, the implications...even the thought of you in a college radio studio...so evocative.
yes, today we are relegated to our tedious present, our existence--if not subsistence; life as we know it. suburbia (there is a reference for you: think of it. tell me).
sweet as the smiles in your profile photo, are these moments. Do visit back soon. i shall, you. much remains to be talked.
~t~
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