6.30.2005
Derrame cerebral
She finally had researched the term stroke in a Spanish site. The word did not roll as easily as stroke. It sounded more clinical, (more adverse?). This was not the first time she had thought about her father in a removed and curious way, about what he must have felt like that humid morning. Not about the sorrow this stroke (strike, stroke, stricken?) had caused her.
Miedo...
...of taking one more step, of writing one more word. "What is the point, the sense of it all?" she wonders. This is not the first time she has encountered this feeling. Many times, try she has, to start something, sat down to write a thought, only to have it flooded out by the "what-ifs" of the mundane.
"For any of you reading, I am sure you are finding this perplexing, complex, non-sensical." But that is the reality of what goes through her, flows through her. "You cycle quite rapidly" her PDOC had "revealed." Cyclothymic: a word that would take its place among the many other descriptions of her, one more to add to the little black mental book of obscure terms, that seemed to adhere to the fly-paper part of her brain...a future notable mention during one of her trivia-rich dissertations.
"For any of you reading, I am sure you are finding this perplexing, complex, non-sensical." But that is the reality of what goes through her, flows through her. "You cycle quite rapidly" her PDOC had "revealed." Cyclothymic: a word that would take its place among the many other descriptions of her, one more to add to the little black mental book of obscure terms, that seemed to adhere to the fly-paper part of her brain...a future notable mention during one of her trivia-rich dissertations.
6.22.2005
Pasaje
She had a good walk-in meeting with the man that replaced her in her previous endeavours. They talked like the old "more-than-co-workers" they were. It is always so hard to say a co-worker is your friend, or a friend is a friend because a spouse is friends with the spouse, or any other hybrid situation. What is the real-life definition of "friend" anyway?
Putting aside this ADD-induced dissertation, the subject bounced back and forth the changes that had occurred since she last left her position. It seemed ironic that, with this latest change in the winds, she would end up in the same position he had been--their roles would be switched.
So how was this relevant? In the context of time passage, these changes acquired a weight she would have not given them otherwise. Strange how the passage of seconds, she relents, many seconds, changed her perspective, biological and otherwise. Strange how one morning she would wake up in the brightest of dispositions, and face the day the greatest desire, and mere seconds (relatively) later darkness would rise.
Second passage, heart beat, breath taken, blink, all taking her closer to her death.
Putting aside this ADD-induced dissertation, the subject bounced back and forth the changes that had occurred since she last left her position. It seemed ironic that, with this latest change in the winds, she would end up in the same position he had been--their roles would be switched.
So how was this relevant? In the context of time passage, these changes acquired a weight she would have not given them otherwise. Strange how the passage of seconds, she relents, many seconds, changed her perspective, biological and otherwise. Strange how one morning she would wake up in the brightest of dispositions, and face the day the greatest desire, and mere seconds (relatively) later darkness would rise.
Second passage, heart beat, breath taken, blink, all taking her closer to her death.
6.20.2005
Turquia
La noche. La calida brisa mediterranea. Dos Turcas disfrutando gaseosa.
Sobre ellas, un ave rapaz, vuela. Sin sonido alguno, observa.
Sobre ellas, un ave rapaz, vuela. Sin sonido alguno, observa.
Dose
"...but then again, there is exhilaration in the change to the day to day routine. chaos engenders excitement, an that is what i need right now," she says to a stupefied walker-by: talking to oneself: the ongoing exercise of the mind-altered--at least in theory.
forecast for today: mixed feelings through the day with the chance of an occasional tear shower. highs in the mid-freakies, but it will actually feel much worse. for allergy sufferers, rhetorical-question count will be in the red zone. the ultraviolence index will remain relatively low (thank goodness).
forecast for today: mixed feelings through the day with the chance of an occasional tear shower. highs in the mid-freakies, but it will actually feel much worse. for allergy sufferers, rhetorical-question count will be in the red zone. the ultraviolence index will remain relatively low (thank goodness).
6.18.2005
"Day after pill"
"I hope I feel better today," she mutters to herself, as the rest of her family enjoys a semi-quiet late breakfast downstairs. Thoughts of past relationships shoot through her mind like a 5.56 mm round ricocheting in her skull.
6.17.2005
"No Future" by the Sex Pistols
As she was listening attentively, she realized that her future was in the hands of others. Alea jacta est. Outcomes of discussions above her level would decide the future course of everything around her. Though unprepared, she did not panic. "Meds providing some of the intended results," she thought. "Es Viernes, after all." What else could she ask for.
Astrogenia
"Me he apuntado de astronauta, a ver si asi suena la flauta." Why do these lines from Siniestro Total got into her head and did not leave, she did not know. She is playing with meds a bit today to see what happens. She feels somewhat disoriented, but relatively well. "I wonder if I should extend the test."
Asi que, someone asked her about the O2 tanks visible. As she explains, a flood of imagery of Somalia, scavenged MIGs, deaths--premature, avoidable, innecesarias. "Ya hablare mas de eso."
Asi que, someone asked her about the O2 tanks visible. As she explains, a flood of imagery of Somalia, scavenged MIGs, deaths--premature, avoidable, innecesarias. "Ya hablare mas de eso."
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