i have spoken of death before

afraid of the future, i march, stalwart, to face this fear. i think of the futility of existence, but remain curious about the trials ahead.

Others keep me wanting to know how the novel ends. events capture my fancy: what lies around the corner? imagination feeds conjectures about where the road ends.

must not jump to the last chapter, should not peek around the corner, not take the shortcut to the end of the road. how much i will regret, so greatly i will yearn, fathom the shortcut being the wrong one.

act two: so plain to see, so easy to ignore

we have become conditioned to ignore

ignorance is bliss

a blissful existence is addictive

addiction is hell to break

hell is to vomit shiver convulse yourself back to reality

act three: lacrimous eyes, internal distress

i do not judge towering from a bench, or preach, lofty, from a pulpit.

i spew my mind onto salt-cracked asphalt,

retch thoughts on sidewalk-concrete,

heave feelings into binary waste.

my mind: runoff, traversing Internet sewers.

wild green onions

again, i had to. run. madly. impulsively. got to park. change. pee (not, tmi (1) there is a reason why i tell). ipod on. dj mazi: appropriate. trail head, smell of wild green onions. pungent, evoking, fresh, grassy. begin. slow. energy low. may have over trained last two weeks. maybe its soy milk+decaf+pumpkin seeds+pear+grapefruit (500 kcal (2))…maybe its 3.5 hours of sleep…maybe both? but, speed i do, post-warm-up.

mouth parched, gum notwithstanding. breath…could it be that my extra-long taste is…wild green onions? run, now downhill. pick up speed (why not?). no need to pace. mud desiccated. unfortunate. some wet; not enough in quantity/quality. must do cross-check: hr (3) 178 bpm (4), steady. slight pain: cramp onset. endurable. persevere. sore. will wild green onion liniment help?

run 60% complete. "urge." "urge," without basis: i peed already (i did say this was not tmi). what in hell?! not first time this happens. cringe. again? imaginary, interesting, prognosis: early onset incontinence. “well, txandi, there is nothing i can do for you. your symptoms are temporal, causal. they do not warrant medication. furthermore, do you want to add imipramine (if you can believe this, a tricyclic antidepressant to stop you from peeing?) to your daily non-rda (5) supplements, do you?" "you should look into something less….medical: wild green onion incontinence protective undergarments…"the brand that never stops...absorbing (tm).""

wild green onions. interesting fixation. permanent olfactory imprint, akin a pup to its bitch? am i destined to associate the smell of wild green onions to…the "urge?"

stats (6): 2 miles. 14 minutes, 45 seconds. heart rate: 178 bpm average, 185 maximum (generic rule of thumb: 220-age=maximum bpm).

(1) too much information

(2) kilocalories

(3) heart rate

(4) beats per minute

(5) recommended daily allowance

(6) statistics

souls broken

¿are we broken? browning petals off budding roses.

¿are we souls? mindless folly, bound to lore.

¿are we broken souls? retched lives, destined to hope.