scarcely holding grip

obtuse Freudian slip: scarcely phonetically begins with scare. i may be. crags indeed, about which i posted yesterday. today, i am rock-climbing these crags, scarcely holding grip.

why am i climbing? (traditional off-the-cuff answer: "because it is there") there is really nothing up there that i want--not this time. i have sensed this 5.1b ascent for a week now. delayed reaction to my revelation?

my fingers grip basalt, which cuts me, does not draw blood, but makes me lash out in anger--controlled by my meds (on belay), and knowledge gained through many PDOC sessions (focus).

am i competing with you, spectator? supporter? am i at an unknown Patagonia mountain face, just me and my belayer? let it be the former...

Currer Bell

how can one stop, turn eye away from words burning, passages engaging, chapters drawing.

my desire, a swift Santa Ana, blows away ashes, and exposes the clinker with which Currer Bell née Brontë, dearest Charlotte Brontë, reignites passion.

Villette, misunderstood by many accounts, resonates. intelligenlty ironic; catholically cynical. phenomenally feminist.

p. 241...many more to come.

grietas, crags

...last few days...i...semblance of normality...returned back...standard pace, cycle of life.

mental activity...thoughts, actions: juxtaposition. volcano caldera rise under magma pressure _______ glacier speed increase affected by global warming _______ mercury drop from 29.92" Hg. influenced by atmospheric depression.

i sense calm casting a veil of muslin over a gasoline fire, smothering it with great difficulty.

i see this body, this church, its nave succumbing, mortar unrefined sugar.

i have held steady thus far. i must hold steady. i know what underlies...

revelation

"days go; a year as well," i found myself musing barefoot by a bonfire holding a flute brimming with ace. warmth unseasonal, enveloped. warmth of heart, dissolved. "you know about my mother, mi madre, ¿si?" she, the one who birthed me, nurtured me, loved me...loved me...loved me...

i saw her. she saw me. she tested my wits. she tried my nerves.
she has been told. she does not acknowledge. it is too late for her because she wants it to be so.

it is not late for me. i prevailed. i was not drawn into her maelstrøm.
i thought of her as a person with an illness. i treated her as a person with an illness.

"why should i question what you say, mother?" "why should i express an opinion if i know it will antagonize you, mother?" "why should i trouble myself understanding your frame of reference, mother?" i cannot, simply cannot.

a choice made. a decision rewarded. my sanity over hers.

Physical

Hunger is life.
Perception, arise.
Feeling alive, hunger for more.

Hunger for life.
Hunger life.
Perception arise, alive to the core.

Hunger for life.
Life is hunger.
Hunger is life.