MDOC invited me during our last session to return sooner rather than later: invite me!
i was the one doing the inviting up to this time! or was i? i giggled when she said this. sagaciously, she asked, “and, how does that make you feel?”? i said "i find it amusing, simply.” later, i overheard her instructions to the receptionist: being booked, she actually created an appointment time just for me. how does that make me feel?
it is good, i hear, read. everyone says: physical fitness is good.
what should i learn? to turn my eyes away from my park? my trail? i push. deprivation, self control, stoicism. it is good. is it enough? can i push myself beyond the pain? can i outrun the pain? when will it not be? when will i push to see how far i can push...driving? drinking...? i push at what i enjoy pushing. when will i push at what i do not?
i think of death, not suicide. fine line? i think so.
i close the garage door, and i think how long can i run the car before the CO overwhelms me? i think of the sensory reaction to death, the smell as you die, maybe metallic like dried blood, the sound of your last breath, amplified like a train entering a tunnel.
i listen to music. my reaction? outside the norm.
the solution? what is the solution? never to listen to music? learn to recognize when music drops me over the abyss of lows, flings me into the pit of the mixed, or shoots me into an ionospheric high? is this reasonable? is this life?
5.04.2007
5.03.2007
why does it haunt me?
it scares me, what i know. i do not want to scare you. even in relative anonymity, i hesitate to open the door completely...
...let the deceiving (bitter)sweetness of my benzene memories be replaced by inert gas, odorless mixture...
N2O2
...let the fetid stench of my hydrogen-sulfide-thoughts be displaced by less pestilent matter in gaseous state...
CO?
...let the mycotoxin-laden-shreds of my feelings be neutralized, a final solution implemented...
zyklon b?
...let the deceiving (bitter)sweetness of my benzene memories be replaced by inert gas, odorless mixture...
N2O2
...let the fetid stench of my hydrogen-sulfide-thoughts be displaced by less pestilent matter in gaseous state...
CO?
...let the mycotoxin-laden-shreds of my feelings be neutralized, a final solution implemented...
zyklon b?
5.02.2007
belonging, i did not ask for this, and the black cat
bipolar without question, i question belonging.
is this the appropriate context? am in the right setting?
you post about your life. i post my puzzling thoughts.
you share valuable information, i obfuscate reality (disinformation as survival instinct?)
you write matter-offactly, conversationally. my words fight each other for form, jockey for function.
you write in english, i write in tongues.
i desire to post plainly, but technical terms, obscure metaphors, incomprehensible similes, unintelligible txandiisms...
two minutes and thirty three seconds in my psyche, follow. pay particular attention to the devolvement of thought. refer to the comments for additional insight
gato es negro. (so i lived in España, that is why i know...)
le chat est noir. (this, i just know, do not know how...)
die katze ist schwarz. (i lived in Deutschland too...i still get der-die-das confused, though)
black as night, the cat is. ( o - k - a - y )
the cat, its shadow, one. (this is taking a life of its own)
the feline's pigmentation, obscure as its demeanor. ("whatever you say, dear")
vortex of night, total eclipse, projections onto the cat's fur. (total left field)
why can i not simply write simply?
do i help? does this help? do i need help? do I belong?
is this the appropriate context? am in the right setting?
you post about your life. i post my puzzling thoughts.
you share valuable information, i obfuscate reality (disinformation as survival instinct?)
you write matter-offactly, conversationally. my words fight each other for form, jockey for function.
you write in english, i write in tongues.
i desire to post plainly, but technical terms, obscure metaphors, incomprehensible similes, unintelligible txandiisms...
two minutes and thirty three seconds in my psyche, follow. pay particular attention to the devolvement of thought. refer to the comments for additional insight
gato es negro. (so i lived in España, that is why i know...)
le chat est noir. (this, i just know, do not know how...)
die katze ist schwarz. (i lived in Deutschland too...i still get der-die-das confused, though)
black as night, the cat is. ( o - k - a - y )
the cat, its shadow, one. (this is taking a life of its own)
the feline's pigmentation, obscure as its demeanor. ("whatever you say, dear")
vortex of night, total eclipse, projections onto the cat's fur. (total left field)
why can i not simply write simply?
do i help? does this help? do i need help? do I belong?
5.01.2007
the contrary virtues: abstinence and i
abstinence, i do not practice: it happens;
it is not abstinence, as much as it is hunger.
interesting state, bearable, but gnawing, trying, yet unintended.
it is here, it is now. it chews and subdues.
i should eat. i have food. i would disturb, intrude.
i reflect in this cavitating stupor; i relax in this emptiness.
today i subsisted on 700 kilocalories, of which 279, i expended during my midday retreat.
i feel myself full of life, while on the verge of loosing consciousness.
i sense freedom of thought and movement.
i experience the pain of my brain under hypoglycemic stress.
i become aware of thresholds; i learn of artificial limits.
it feels good. why change what feels good?
i am warding off gluttony. i am virtuous.
deadly sin, gluttony, i vanquish thee.
i save myself, i redeem myself.
from what? irrelevant.
it is not abstinence, as much as it is hunger.
interesting state, bearable, but gnawing, trying, yet unintended.
it is here, it is now. it chews and subdues.
i should eat. i have food. i would disturb, intrude.
i reflect in this cavitating stupor; i relax in this emptiness.
today i subsisted on 700 kilocalories, of which 279, i expended during my midday retreat.
i feel myself full of life, while on the verge of loosing consciousness.
i sense freedom of thought and movement.
i experience the pain of my brain under hypoglycemic stress.
i become aware of thresholds; i learn of artificial limits.
it feels good. why change what feels good?
i am warding off gluttony. i am virtuous.
deadly sin, gluttony, i vanquish thee.
i save myself, i redeem myself.
from what? irrelevant.
Psychomachia; the contrary virtues
the origin of the contrary virtues can be traced to a poem by Latin poet Prudentius.
contrary virtues allegedly stave off the Seven Deadly Sins:
humility counters pride
kindness counters envy
abstinence counters gluttony
chastity counters lust
patience counters anger
liberality counters greed
diligence counters sloth
contrary virtues allegedly stave off the Seven Deadly Sins:
humility counters pride
kindness counters envy
abstinence counters gluttony
chastity counters lust
patience counters anger
liberality counters greed
diligence counters sloth
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